The rapid rise in devastating glitter attacks upon our conservative commentators – which has already shot up to a horrifying toll of one – has led to the obviously sensible demand this week that the anti-fascist group Antifa be classified as a terrorist organisation, after two members threw glitter at Andrew Bolt in what was definitely a violent act of fascist censorship and not two idiots being jerks.
With the hope that Border Force will shortly be legally empowered to deal with any and all glitter-based threats to our best and brightest national thought-leaders, the department has already set up a 24-hour glitter-threat hotline, and purchased the domain name off Mariah Carey to act as a digital clearinghouse of public information.
These actions are already yielding vital data that will hopefully show citizens that when it comes to the application of craft supplies to aggressively divisive public figures, this government will determine who throws glitter and the circumstances in which they throw it.
Details released by the Australian Federal Police outline the nature of the shiny, reflective threat Australia is facing and the level of organisation that is backing the subversive individuals involved.
This website would like to salute the brave and anonymous whistleblower – identified only by the call logging code 52B – who called this in at no small personal risk to themselves.
Already one possible Antifa headquarters has been located in an isolated semi-rural environment.
This witness' attention was caught by signs of glitter – seen on the mattress, the front porch and, shockingly, even on the highway – leading analysts to conclude that this could well be what European counter-insurgency authorities have termed a "Liebesnest" or "shack d'amour".
According to the report, the potential HQ is a little old place located approximately 24.14km (15 miles) from a faded sign by the side of the road. Exact estimates of the number of insurgents are impossible to determine, but it is thought that they number about 20, based on the passenger capacity of the whale-sized Chrysler parked nearby.
It is thought that the group use it as a getaway vehicle – specifically, for love getaways.
Chillingly, there are indications that the group is involved in a sophisticated campaign of recruitment at the property, with reports of folks lining up outside. Allegedly, they're doing so just to get down.
An AFP agent – codenamed "Sugar" – attempted to gain access to a meeting, but reportedly was unable to be heard despite knocking loudly on the front door. He did confirm that the inhabitants were wearing next to nothing due to the oven-level temperatures inside.
This is not merely a security threat, but also raises occupational health and safety concerns. An external examination found the building's tin roof to be dangerously rusted, and that the entire structure appears to shimmy when everybody's moving around and around and around and around.
It is hoped that this disturbing report will be acted upon with urgency in order that this issue can remain in the public eye – not least since there are concerns that the group may be setting up a new coastal headquarters.
Reportedly members have been seen conspiring under a dock, and there are ominous reports indicating that the group may even have already acquired matching towels.
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