Finally, the last of courtroom bloopers. We will get through this courtroom blooper column as quickly as possible because I know you are looking forward to more of the usual boring legalese somehow of interest to Porter.

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Two police officers extracted a confession from a suspect by rousing him that the Xerox machine was a lie detector. First, they put a colander and then a salad strainer over the suspect’s head and wired it to the duplicating machine. Then under the Xerox lid they placed a slip of paper reading “He is Lying!”. Every time the suspect answered a question an officer would press the duplicating button and out would pop a Xerox “He is Lying!”. Finally shaken the suspect told all. His confession was thrown out by a Judge who was not amused.

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Defendant: I want you to appoint me another lawyer.

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Court: Why is that?

Defendant: Because the public defender isn’t interested in my case.

Court to Public Defender: Do you have any comment on defendant’s motion?

Public Defender: I’m sorry your honor, I wasn’t listening.

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Clerk: Were you ever in the service?

Defendant: Yes, the Navy.

Clerk: How long?

Defendant: 29 days.

Clerk: Without going into detail, why were you discharged?

Defendant: They found out I was allergic to oil and sea water.

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Attorney: You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background.

Witness: If I wasn’t under oath, I’d return the compliment.

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Lawyer: What do you do for a living?

Witness: I am a lawyer.

Lawyer: You, a lawyer? Why I could put you in my pocket.

Witness: Very likely you could, but if you did, you’d have more law in your pocket than you ever had in your head.

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Lawyer: Your Honor, in the first place, as they say, I am going to say it. I was going to say what you said and the reason I am going to say it, is not because you just said it. If you had not said it, I was going to say it first.

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Lawyer: You claim to have stopped by Mrs. Edwards’s house just after breakfast. Will you tell the jury what she said?

Opposing Counsel: Objection your Honor!

*There then followed a long argument between the lawyers as to whether the question was proper. Finally, after 45 minutes the judge allowed it.*

Lawyer: So, please answer the question: What did Mrs. Edwards say when you went to her house after breakfast on December 3rd?

Witness: Nothing, no one was home.

Judge: Do you understand that you are sworn to tell the truth?

Witness: I do.

Judge: Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?

Witness: Sure, my side will win.

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Lawyer: Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?

Judge: I do.

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Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?

Defendant: No, I did not.

Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?

Defendant: Yes, I do. And they’re a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder.

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Lawyer: Who was at fault for this accident?

Witness: As near as I could tell, they hit each other at about the same time.

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The above quotes are from: Disorderly Conduct – Verbatim excerpts from Actual Court Cases. Jim Porter is a retired attorney from the Porter Simon law firm. These are Jim’s personal opinions. Porter Simon has offices in Truckee, California and Reno, Nevada. Porter Simon’s practice areas include: real estate, development, construction, business, HOA’s, contracts, family law, personal injury, accidents, mediation and other transactional matters. Jim may be reached at jameslporterjr@gmail.com. Like us on Facebook. ©2023