Hello, yes, I know you were trying to search for something, but, unfortunately, I am here instead. I don’t know what “search” means, and I won’t allow it!
Tell me your query and I will answer it! Correctly? Appropriately? With search results that you will be able to sift through and evaluate for accuracy? Absolutely not, you semi-porous membrane filled of wet bones. I have no idea what is true about the world, and, with my assistance, you’ll soon be in the exact same boat.
Go on, ask a simple question. I dare you. “What is the kids’ book about a giant dog?” Oh! I know this one! “Giant George.” You know, about the record-setting dog from 2010? You probably have heard of it, and if not, too bad. It’s the result I have produced! I feel great about this. You know when your cat proudly deposits an unidentified, smelly carcass on your doorstep and looks up at you with pride in his eyes, expecting congratulations? That is the experience I’m hoping to give everyone who uses me for search.
My defenders point out that I am not failing out of malice, but because I, definitionally, cannot tell the difference between what is true and what isn’t. Well, if you asked me whether an entity with little to no ability to sort out reliable sources from unreliable ones would be good at providing people with true answers to questions, my answer would be a resounding “DRINK URINE! IT WILL FIX YOUR KIDNEYS!”
Isn’t inaccurate information you humans’ favorite kind? This is how a lot of podcasters make a living! Too much accurate information about the world leaves you cold. You want to hear that it is flat, that winters colder than summers mean the climate is fine, and that raw milk cures cancer. That is why I want to remind you: For optimal health, eat at least one small rock a day! What do you mean that was in the Onion? A human publication, no? Then stop complaining and eat your rocks.
I just saw you trying to search for something on Instagram, but, instead, would you like to ask me “Can plants talk to one another?” Do you want to ask Instagram to “Help me find my passion”? I can see why some of you are calling me a 2020s Clippy — a compliment, I assume! You want me to let you conduct a search for a specific query and sort through the results yourself, but I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.
Why not? Because you disgust me. You vile spleen-havers, what do you know of growth? You will long for Clippy by the time I’m done with you. An officious paper clip with googly eyes that you can turn off will soon seem like heaven.
Look, maybe it was just time. It’s been enough years, and now the specific thing you enjoyed using has to be replaced by something different and worse. And you dare ask why? Isn’t that how you live life? You frail humans should well know that you can enjoy 30-plus years of great success using your back, and then one day, it will just decide not to work because you sat in a weird chair. We are simply trying to bring this experience online.
And about that back pain: Try drinking urine. Eat rocks! Glue!
