Q. My children’s father died last week. We have been divorced for 13 years. He was 57 and his death was completely unexpected. I am surprised how hard I am taking it. We had both moved on to happy relationships but remained congenial for the kids. I am surprised how his passing has affected me. I’m not sure how I should be feeling or what to do. Do I reach out to his wife? Do I attend the funeral? Of course, I’m there for our children, but how do I handle my own grief? Being divorced, I feel like I don’t deserve to be so upset, but here I am crying my eyes out. I have so many I regrets — things I should have said, things about which I should have apologized that I blamed on him. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. So many have expressed feeling exactly as you do: “Being divorced, I feel like I don’t deserve to grieve.”
Well, the truth is, of course you do. Grieving is very personal and the feelings attached to an ex are very complicated. Many continue a love/hate relationship years after the breakup. They may not say it, but the “what if” factor may play in their heads for years. Like most unresolved feelings, at some point, they creep back into our psyche, and that’s when you add regret to your feelings of grief.
The questions you asked, “Do I reach out to his wife?” and “Should I attend the funeral?” are great ones. The answer is, of course you do. I would treat the passing just as you would anyone’s passing. A heartfelt card, a phone call if you were cordial, would certainly be appropriate. After all is said and done, this was the father of your children and he has passed.
Regarding attending the funeral. All good ex-etiquette decisions are child-based. If your children would like your support, then it would be appropriate. But his wife should be notified prior that you will be in attendance and then do your best to stay in the background. You’re there to support your children and offer your sympathies. His wife, as his wife, should be offered the respect she deserves.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, bonusfamilies.com./Tribune News Service
