Richter: Better conversations start with better questions

Can you guess which word could be removed from our daily vocabulary and produce a world of meaningful difference? Go ahead, I’ll give you a moment to jot it down. Got it? 

While you may disagree with me, I suggest removing the word “why” from our vocabularies.  Let’s explore the concept. 

How many times have you wondered what someone else was doing and proceeded to ask them some form of a “why” question? Maybe something like, “Why did you do that?” lept from your mouth.

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Think back to a time when this was your question to someone. How did it go? Did you put your employee on their heels or shut your high school student down? Did your conversation partner back up or lean into the exchange with a now heated defense mode. Even dear Fido sulks away when demanded to explain “why” she didn’t do what you had hoped. No one feels often great when “why” is put to their ears. 

When we lead with “why,” we often put the other person on the defense. The person tasked with asking “why” must think of a way to justify, explain, excuse, hide, or defend their choice. Read that list again. None of those places are open spaces from which neutral, curious communication can advance. Instead of advancing to understanding or a mutually agreeable solution, we are now opponents when we lead with “why”.

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Instead of “why” questions we can ask much more open, meaningful, and productive questions. This takes a little self-awareness and practice, but I know we can all try these other options.

The next time you find yourself falling into the “why” spot, pause and try something else. Perhaps offer questions such as these:

• Can you help me understand what went into this decision?
• What’s happening for you that’s leading to this decision?
• How did you arrive at this choice?
• I noticed you’re not meeting our agreement; can we explore what’s going on?

I know, I know: These take more work and may even feel clunky! I even reason, if you really think about you, you can create better questions in your moments that ask without using the “why” word. 

I hope you take the next few days to invite yourself to notice when you use the word “why.” The first step is to catch yourself when you do. The next step is to try to change the phrasing in the next instance. Then, notice how your conversation partner, and the conversation itself, slows down and opens up to a more meaningful exchange. 

Happy growing!

Dr. Maria (Mia) Richter is a certified executive life coach living and working in EagleVail. She also tutors local students in the valley. You can find her at http://www.MyCoachMia.com