Opinion | Katie Britt whispers State of the Union response from her kitchen

SWEETIE, please DON’T go in the KITCHEN. I am delivering my State of the Union response!

Fellow MOMS, if you are like me, you lie awake at 2 a.m., wondering how you can BE in three places at once: this KITCHEN, the Senate and the opening monologue of a Purge movie. But you see, we CAN do it, by WHISPERING slowly with an intensity usually reserved for WASP moms trying to prevent their daughters from making a SCENE in the J. Crew fitting rooms. (We’re not LEAVING yet PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER.) I am delivering these remarks in a WAY that makes you think this isn’t ACTUALLY my kitchen and I’m not SUPPOSED to BE here, but no one has dared REMOVE me because I am SPEAKING in a TONE that makes the PROSPECT of interrupting me TOO FRIGHTENING!

JOE BIDEN is DITHERING and DIMINISHED! I am striking a CLEAR contrast by delivering my RESPONSE at a speed at which I cannot speak NORMALLY but must ENUNCIATE each WORD with the intensity of someone reading a PRAGER U text aloud at an OPEN CALL AUDITION. Usually WORDS delivered in this TONE are delivered at a VOLUME that makes them impossible to HEAR, and you have to GUESS them from the expression on the SLOWLY FALLING face of the customer service EMPLOYEE at whom they are DIRECTED!

NO you CANNOT access the fridge right now SWEETIE! I am GRAPHICALLY RECOUNTING A HORRIFIC ACCOUNT OF SEXUAL ASSAULT in a HUSHED WHISPER to spread FEAR about IMMIGRATION, which will hopefully prove that I am more REAGANESQUE yet also more MATERNAL than JOE BIDEN, a set of COMBINED characteristics I GUESS some FOCUS GROUP was looking FOR. Y’ALL!

I REPRESENT the state of ALABAMA in the SENATE, and you might have heard some SCARY things about in vitro fertilization, but I’m PROUD to tell you with a TWINKLE in my EYE that it is STILL LEGAL despite the BEST EFFORTS of my colleagues to TAKE IT FROM YOU. SOON, it will be the ONLY thing we MOMS can do with our BODIES that IS definitely LEGAL! Here is a SMILE! I am in a KITCHEN. “WE want to help LOVING MOMS AND DADS bring PRECIOUS LIFE into this world.” I have not stopped SMILING. This isn’t CHILLING! It’s FOLKSY! I am bringing WARMTH and also VERGE OF TEARS energy.

I have another MESSAGE to moms: “GET INTO THE ARENA.” Remember, we are “STEEPED in the BLOOD of PATRIOTS.” “Our DNA contains the same INGENUITY that put MAN on the MOON.” And WOMAN in the KITCHEN. We don’t just have a RENDEZVOUS with DESTINY. We take destiny’s hand and we LEAD It. Though if I were dancing with destiny I would FOLLOW it, obviously. Do not think that I (a woman) am trying to LEAD. I’m in the Senate, but more importantly, I’m in the KITCHEN.

Moms, get into the ARENA. You are soaked in blood. Moms, bring precious life into the world! The American Dream has become a nightmare. I’m in the Senate. I’m in the kitchen. IVF is still legal! Y’all! The CCP is buying land and making TikToks! You can’t make this UP! Here is a laugh! THIS IS WHERE IT STARTS! OUR FUTURE IS RIGHT HERE, IN THE KITCHEN!

No sweetheart, Mommy is almost done!