Dear Elaine: My son and his fiancé are having a smallish wedding (about 80 guests) that they are paying for themselves. I come from a large family; my parents are both deceased, and I have two brothers and two sisters. One sister and one brother are close to me and my children — the others not so much.
The not-so-much brother and sister have attended weddings and parties and have gotten so drunk that sometimes the police have to be called. No one in my family answers their phone calls after 8 p.m. because they are drunk and abusive. My son and his fiancé don’t want to invite them to their wedding, and I support this.
How should I handle their inevitable questions about why they aren’t invited, as they’ll likely figure out that the others are invited? In my experience, they may not even have a memory of their behavior. We are not close, and I fear that this slight will make it worse.
— Messenger
Messenger: Have your son and his fiancé asked you to communicate this news to your siblings on their behalf? If not, the first step would be to make sure they are comfortable with your approach in terms of timing and delivery because it may have repercussions that impact them. Your goal here should be to protect them and their wedding day from any unnecessary family drama.
Once you have their blessing, I’d say be straight up. Sugarcoating or dodging the hard questions serves no one. And there is no reason to wait for their inevitable inquiry about why they weren’t invited. I recognize you don’t want to hurt their feelings unnecessarily, but the priority right now is preserving your son’s wedding day wishes. By the way, good for them for setting these boundaries and good for you for supporting them.
Your brother and sister have been wreaking havoc on the family (and probably their own lives) for quite some time; it sounds like a direct conversation is overdue. It’s not your responsibility to coddle or protect them from the consequences of their actions. Try to absolve yourself of any guilt you may feel about relaying this message on behalf of your son and his fiancé.
Skip to end of carousel
End of carousel
Elaine Welteroth writes about big life changes. She gives readers advice about finding what is next after burnout, a friendship that ended in ghosting and changing your mind about your dream job.
There are a few different ways you can go about relaying the news. You can explain the full reasoning and bring up their dysfunctional behavior, or you can leave it at the decision to have a small, intimate wedding. There are merits to both approaches. The likelihood of escalation is higher with the former option, but you might feel like this level of honesty and directness is overdue. Either way, you get to set your own boundaries upfront about how far you’re willing to go into a back-and-forth dialogue about this. And the method of communication you choose can help enforce those boundaries.
You can choose to write them a letter or email. A letter allows you to communicate the why in full and express yourself completely and thoughtfully without interruption. You can be clear about whether you are open to a follow-up conversation while being firm upfront that the decision is final.
Or you can schedule time to speak by phone. Make sure they know upfront that you are calling out of love and respect because you didn’t want them to find out about the wedding from anyone else. If they push for reasoning and you don’t feel ready to have the deeper conversation yet, you can buy time by punting to the fact the bride and groom chose to do a small wedding. If you do want to get into it fully over the phone, I recommend writing out three main talking points and sticking to them as closely as possible. It’s okay to say plainly that their past behavior will not be welcomed or tolerated at this event and that you are not interested in defending the facts of how they have made you and your family feel.
If they don’t react well to the news, which is likely given their track record, it’s okay. You don’t have to take on that burden. The goal is to set a new standard of openness from your end and to get in the practice of erecting boundaries with them moving forward. Ultimately, it is up to them whether repairing these relationships is important enough for them to do the necessary work on themselves.
