For every magical, sparks-fly first date, there are probably at least two or three (or 10!) that you’d pay good money to forget.
But if you’re listening to other people sharing stories about their own dating lives, those train-wreck dates are infinitely more enjoyable to hear about. In that spirit, we asked comedians and other funny people to share the one thing someone said or did on a first date that instantly ruled out a second. See what they had to say below.
Responses have been lightly edited for clarity and length.
The one with the spitball
“A man coughed sputum into his hand, showed it to me, like a yellow oyster, and licked it off. In retrospect, I should have left then, but I was frozen like a deer in headlights with the power of the literal ick.” ― Virginia Jones, a comedian and the host of the podcast “My Sister’s A Therapist”
The one with the woobie
“Ron picked me up at my house in his Jeep. As I hopped in his car, I noticed something light green and fuzzy in the back seat. I knew he had kids so I asked innocently, ‘Is that your child’s baby blanket?’ He replied matter of factly, ‘No, that’s my woobie.’ Looking for clarification, I repeated, ‘You mean that’s your daughter’s woobie?’ He got indignant and said, ‘No, she has her own woobie ― that’s mine!’ I wanted to tell him to turn around and take me home but I reluctantly went along on the date.” ― KarenLee Poter, the co-host of the podcast “Sex Talk With My Mom”
The one with the attempted murderer
“I was once on a date with a girl that was initially going well until about halfway through the date, when she began to mention her ex and how much we looked alike. She kept asking if I had a brother (which I do) and then proceeded to show me pictures of said ex so that I could agree I looked like him? (I did not think we did!) That wasn’t even the final straw. She went on to tell me how he cheated on her and treated her badly while casually dropping the line, ‘I tried to kill him once… he is lucky he got out of that one’ with a straight face, no hints of sarcasm. I immediately got up and left after that.” ― Benny Nwokeabia, a writer and stand-up comedian
The one with the calves aficionado
“I went on a first date with a man who explained what was wrong with each of the last eight women he