We all know to watch our language when we’re around kids: no swearing, no adults-only topics, no gossip you wouldn’t want them repeating to anyone else. If we slip on any of these, we generally realize it right away and can follow up with an “I shouldn’t have said that.”
But there are other things that we should avoid saying to kids that we’re unlikely to notice because they’re so common and seem innocuous. Many of us repeat them habitually. These phrases can cause confusion for kids or muddle the messages we’re trying to send, and experts recommend that we avoid them when addressing our children. Here’s what they are:
1. “Could you/do you mind/will you please/can you?”
Many of us are in the habit of saying phrases like these in order to sound polite or deferential, but they can cause confusion for kids. If you’re giving an instruction, it’s better to do so without asking a question.
Beginning with an interrogative “implies an element of choice, leaving the child room to say ‘no,’” Amy Jackson, chief early learning strategy officer at Primrose Schools, told HuffPost. Instead, use a simple command: “Pick up the blocks, please” or “You need to pick up the blocks.”
Another option would be “It’s time to pick up the blocks.” This phrasing communicates that the parent isn’t making the child do something on a whim, but simply communicating that now is the time in the day’s schedule to clean up.
2. “I’m not going to help you.”
It’s good to encourage kids to do things on their own, but this phrasing “can be discouraging and lead to the child not coming to the parent later,” Whitney Raglin Bignall, associate clinical director of On Our Sleeves, explained to HuffPost.
Instead, Raglin Bignall suggested,, “Try first and if it doesn’t work we can talk it through.” This lets the child know you believe in them but are there to offer support when needed.
3. “Good job!”
Many of us grew up regulating our behavior to elicit this kind of praise from adults. But this vague commendation isn’t specific enough for kids to really benefit. “It gives little insight into what they are doing well,” Jackson said.
When they’re doing something right, be specific so they’ll know which behaviors to repeat in the future. You could say something like, “I see you picking up the blocks and putting them in the bins, thank you for helping us keep this space clean” or “Good job throwing that away.”
4. “I want you to be good.”
Many of us have memories of being sternly told that we’d “better be on our best behavior” before entering someone’s home, or in other situations. But, again, this instruction isn’t specific enough to be helpful to kids. They lack experience and won’t always know what “good” behavior looks like in a given situation.
Instead, tell the child exactly what you need them to do: “I need you to stay next to the cart and only touch the food we are going to buy.”
5. “Calm down.”
