Dear Miss Manners: Is there a particular gift for a couple celebrating 27 months together?
I need your delicate advice, as one girl’s family has never hosted, anytime, anywhere! The daughter happens to be my daughter’s best friend in the group. I was recently in an unexpected bind and asked her mother if she could watch my daughter for an hour the next day. She gave convoluted recommendations/solutions as to what I could do instead — no reason or excuse as to why she didn’t want to watch her. Clearly she was avoiding having my daughter go to their home, making it very obvious that she is not welcome there. This hurt me, but I didn’t argue or express my disappointment. I haven’t had any communication with her since (about three weeks ago).
I don’t want to exclude her daughter from the girls’ playdates at my home; however, I don’t want to be perceived as a stooge and my hospitality taken advantage of. I’m planning to host a playdate for the girls in the near future. How do I politely communicate to this mother that her response to me at my one time of need was hurtful? And that her avoidance of hosting the group is impolite and unfair to the rest of us?
Is it possible that this mother had another reason for not wanting to host? Economic concerns, an unkempt house, unpredictable relatives, ferocious animals?
Of course, this does not excuse the fact that she is taking advantage of others’ hospitality without offering her own — as she could always host at a playground or other public space — but Miss Manners would be inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt before continuing to harbor resentment. Or at least feigning so: “I wonder if you would be able to host the kids next time, if not at your home, then at the park or elsewhere.” If she continues to refuse or deflect, a gentle “Is everything okay?” may be in order, or asking if your own daughter may be misbehaving.
But if none of that works, Miss Manners suggests that you continue to invite your daughter's best friend over anyway, for your daughter's sake. Eventually the children will get older and be able to navigate their own socially awkward and complicated plans.
Dear Miss Manners: I loaned a friend my hot pad six months ago. Now I need it. What’s the best way to handle this?
Ask for it back. Miss Manners suggests something like, “That hot pad I lent you? I need it back. Please.”
New Miss Manners columns are posted Monday through Saturday on washingtonpost.com/advice. You can send questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.
© 2024 Judith Martin
