We asked readers to channel their inner Carolyn Hax and answer this question. Some of the best responses are below.
He doesn’t see it as a problem and thinks it’s just normal dog behavior. He considers his dog trained because he’s potty trained and knows how to sit and give his paw. Part of my problem is with the dog itself. I like dogs and have a dog of my own, but I don’t enjoy being at his home when I have to sneak in, brace myself from getting knocked over, guard my dinner and hear him barking for attention. I’d rather see him at my house or meet out.
The other part of me wonders how he can live like this without taking him to a trainer/behaviorist. He seems very responsible in every other aspect of his life, but this feels like a red flag. What do you think?
— Bad Dog
Bad Dog: I briefly dated a super-nice man who had a very poorly trained small dog. The gentleman was lovely, kind and caring toward me. There was potential for us as a couple. Then I met his “pandemic pup.” She did tricks for him, but was a barking, begging mess toward others. It was when she jumped up on my back and put her front paws in my hair and he just chuckled that I realized I would not come between a man and his dog. I wanted no part of that scenario.
I did gently suggest she might benefit from some training and he just pooh-poohed that idea and admitted she was spoiled. That was enough information for me to realize it wasn’t going to be fun for me. I love dogs and I now have a new partner who has a very well-behaved boxer. You need to see the man and his animal as a unit and proceed accordingly.
— Move On
Bad Dog: One of my favorite phrases is, “People get the dog they deserve.” This isn’t an indictment, it’s the reality that very often dogs are clear indicators of their owner’s preferences and lifestyle. It sounds like you and your beau have very different expectations about behavior and boundaries that need to be worked out. And don’t expect either the man or the dog to change with training; they aren’t wrong, just different from what you fundamentally want.
— That’s Not My Dog
Bad Dog: Here’s what I did on a situation that is much like yours: I trained the dog to my commands. I read up on how to break his specific behaviors and went into training mode whenever I saw him. I was firm and kept a couple of treats in my pocket for positive reinforcement.
Get yourself a good book to tell you what to do in the moment the dog does the behavior you don’t want. The dog in question responded to me and stopped jumping and begging. The boyfriend didn’t participate and as far as I know continued the bad behavior with him. Both are out of my life now, and the dog is the only one I miss.
— Julie
Bad Dog: It seems like there are two parts to this question. First, is the boyfriend’s reaction, or lack of, to the dog’s behavior a red flag? If that is the only problem, as Bad Dog seems to indicate, then no, it is not a red flag. Some dogs are easier to train and to live with than others. I adopted two labs, nearly of the same age, who turned out completely differently. One was unruly, willful and disobedient, and the other was calm and easy to be around. The unruly one was not helped by an expensive session in doggy boot camp, so it wasn’t just the owner. To disapprove of an otherwise admirable person because of the behavior of his dog is unjustified. BF’s reaction to the dog may be just acceptance of the behavior of a difficult dog.
The second question is whether BF’s seemingly cavalier attitude toward your discomfort with the dog is a dealbreaker. That’s a maybe. The answer depends on your sensitivity to being hung out to dry on a relatively minor issue, compared to those you will face as partners in life. Would his “If it doesn’t bother me, then it’s not a problem” attitude to a minor difficulty be extrapolated to major issues? For example, if the baby is crying all night, he just turns over, since it doesn’t bother him, and leaves it to you?
— AgingBull
Every week, we ask readers to answer a question submitted to Carolyn Hax’s live chat or email. Read last week’s installment here. New questions are typically posted on Thursdays, with a Monday deadline for submissions. Responses are anonymous unless you choose to identify yourself and are edited for length and clarity.
