It is no secret — love is the most complex emotion that exists in our world.
Most of us will go to the ends of the earth to find it or to hold on to it. With that said, it is truly an elusive butterfly at times.
Who has not heard of or seen the story of Cinderella or heard the many love songs that are written? There is no generation gap or time warp on love.
So, why at times, do we get it all wrong?
Love begins at birth. Children who receive love and feel love will feel esteemed throughout their life. Those children who do not receive and feel love will have to work harder to esteem themselves, and may become emotionally bankrupt.
Many books have been written on love. Book cases are lined with them. There are many good resources that I use in therapy.
The book that I most frequently use is “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. In his book Dr. Chapman, a marriage counselor that leads marriage enrichment seminars throughout the country, writes about keeping love alive.
In order to keep love alive we first have to look at how we find love and the difference between falling in love and staying in love. What is the difference between falling in love and real love?
According to Dr. Chapman, falling in love is an emotional high that is temporary and real love requires acts of will and discipline. He further states “love is an attitude, a way of thinking that says ‘I am married to you and I choose to look out for your interests.’”
We learn to meet each other’s needs and to feel loved by keeping our love tanks full instead of empty. Dr. Chapman says by discovering your emotional love language, you can improve the climate of your marriage, friendships and etc.
Let’s look at the five love languages. Which one are you and which one is your spouse, your girlfriend or even your friends?
- Words of Affirmation
- Quality time
- Receiving Gifts
- Acts of Service
- Physical Touch
Choosing to love and expressing your love in the primary love language of your spouse or other important people in your life makes a difference and creates a positive environment in your life. We must find a way to handle our differences so they do not become corrosive.
How do we keep the dream, renew, and nurture our promises we made to each other? We realize our dream marriage is on our road map. We are not talking about a perfect marriage without wounds, problems or difficult circumstances.
In a dream marriage you will have to work at communication and intimacy. Your dream marriage describes the quality of your shared relationship with each other, not the quality of your circumstance.
This is the dream that we were wishing for when we committed ourselves at the altar.
One of the most important things you can do for your marriage is to offer encouragement and emotional support to each other. Be each other’s cheerleader when life stressors get in the way. Keep your covenant and commitment to each other.
We live in a world of no-fault divorce and prenuptial divorce. Is divorce contagious?
Many times when I hear of a couple wanting a divorce, I wonder who else in the family has been divorced or is a friend getting a divorce.
Make a commitment to love wholeheartedly and never to leave — this is the first step to divorce proofing your marriage.
Another word for commitment is covenant. A covenant is a binding, unbreakable contract between two people. Honoring each other and your covenant daily brings confidence and firmly establishes your relationship.
Never use the “D” word. When you take a stand, your marriage will survive anything.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
— Sandi Y. Squicquero M.Ed, LPC, is a licensed professional counselor who works out of the Medical Hypnosis and Counseling Center at 1180 Main St., Suite 5B in Windsor. She has more than 30 years experience as a counselor and is board certified in medical hypnosis.
