The best way to please a people-pleaser? Understand where they’re coming from.
For people-pleasers, the tendency to put their needs on the back-burner and prioritize other’s desires usually stems from childhood. A child learns how to people-please by first learning how to parent-please.
“During their formative years, these individuals likely received validation and approval when they fulfilled their parent’s needs, creating a link between self-worth and meeting external expectations,” said Imi Lo, a therapist and owner of Eggshell Therapy.
The goal in adulthood for people-pleasers should be to unravel learned behaviors and make the shift toward self-compassion, but that’s not a particularly easy task.
“It’s a process of breaking free from the conditioning that shaped their tendencies,” Lo said. “A people-pleaser needs to recognize the importance of self-care without feeling selfish or guilty.”
If you’re friends, in a relationship or work closely with a people-pleaser, you can support them by not putting them in predicaments where they’re forced to quiet their own needs or wishes. What kinds of casual statements and requests should you avoid? Below, Lo and other therapists share five situations to never put a people-pleaser in.
1. ‘Come on, just do it!’
People-pleasers almost across the board have a hard time saying no. That’s why it’s important not to guilt them into an activity or a decision. If they told you they can’t make your birthday trip, don’t pester them until they cave in and go; chances are, saying no was a big challenge for them.
“If you want to help a people-pleaser to honor themselves more, try to let them make their own decisions and respect them,” said Lia Huynh, a marriage and family therapist in Milpitas, California.
How to deal if you’re the people pleaser:
Huynh tells her quick-to-please clients to slow down and think about what they really want before they give into external pressure.
“Ask yourself, ‘Do I really want to do this or am I just getting caught up in what they’re saying is best for me?’” she said.
If you don’t want to go to something, just be clear about it. Oftentimes people think saying no means you have to be harsh, but you can tactfully bow out, too.
“A simple ‘I’d love to go, but I just can’t. Thanks for asking, though!’ or ‘That’s a great idea, but I’m going to pass this time’ can convey your wants without putting the other person down,” Huynh said.
2. ‘I love you, but you’re being a doormat.’
Please avoid the “tough-love” tactic of calling the people-pleaser in your life a doormat.
“This phrase can be particularly hurtful as it suggests that a people-pleaser’s accommodating nature is a sign of weakness or lack of self-respect,” said Joel Frank, the founder and lead psychologist at Duality Psychological Services in Sherman Oaks, California.
How to deal if you’re the people pleaser:
If you’re called a “doormat,” acknowledge the comment without internalizing it, Lo advised. Reflect on your own behavior and assess whether there are areas where you can assert yourself more.
“But don’t let the term ‘doormat’ define your self-worth,” she said. “Respond by explaining that you’re working on setting boundaries and prioritizing self-care.”
If the comment really upsets you, Frank suggests saying something more assertive: “Tell your friend, ‘Yes, I choose to be kind and helpful, but that’s kind of harsh. I have boundaries, and I’d appreciate it if you acknowledge them.’”
3. ‘You didn’t have to do that.’
Let’s say the people-pleaser in your life went above and beyond to celebrate your new job: They took you to a fancy dinner at a new restaurant that’s near impossible to get a table at and even got you a little gift, even though you know money is tight for them.
Overwhelmed, you might tell them “You did way too much.” That’s understandable, but when you make this statement to a people-pleaser, you devalue what they believe to be their genuine efforts, said Ashley McGirt