A woman has been cheered on the social-media platform Reddit for telling her aunt to get over her daughter's death.
"My cousin is turning 18 next month and she isn't looking forward to it. She was a twin and her sister unfortunately passed a few hours after birth," the woman wrote online. "This is obviously very upsetting for all members of the family and a horrible situation to be handed. However me and my cousin are extremely close and every single birthday she has had has also been about her twin sister.
"Her mum will always put a little fancy background with her twins ashes and make my cousin take photos with it every birthday," the woman added. "It's like her birthdays are not important anymore as it makes her mother upset due to the reminder. She doesn't feel like an individual person and constantly feels attached to her dead twin."
The woman wrote that her aunt was now trying to block her cousin from going on her dream 18th-birthday vacation to Spain, because it would be too difficult for the family to take her deceased twin sister's ashes along with them. Her cousin is said to be distraught by her mom's decision, and now feels even less prioritized by her parents.
"I asked her if she's told her mum how upset she gets about her birthdays and how she doesn't feel like she can be an individual. She said she doesn't want to upset her mum so hasn't told her," the woman added.
Things came to a head when she pulled her aunt aside at a family gathering and told her how much her behavior is affecting her daughter.
The Reddit user wrote about the heated conversation in the post: "Today at a family gathering I pulled her to one side and said that we all understand how she feels but that she needs to get over and accept that [her deceased daughter] is gone and focus on her living daughter."
The woman's aunt was said to be extremely offended by her niece's comments.
How Can You Help Someone Who Is Grieving?
Clinical pediatric psychologist George F. Blackwell told Newsweek some general advice on how people can support and communicate with people who are grieving, so that they don't end up causing offence in the same way that the Reddit user did.
"People who are grieving are longing for the person who passed away and may fear that others will forget them. Demonstrating that you remember them and are comfortable talking about them can create an opportunity for the grieving person to share some of what they are feeling," Blackwell said.
"Grief is not an Olympic sport; it is an individual experience. Individuals going through grief often experience a wide range of emotions. Each day can be profoundly different. It's important to note that, for those that are grieving, some days individuals may feel good, and on other days, they may feel emotionally or physically exhausted," Blackwell added.
He said that those checking in on grieving individuals should ask them how they are doing at that particular moment. The psychologist added that it is important to reflect on the present moment and focus on today.
"But while it's important to check in on how grieving individuals are feeling, people shouldn't force them into a conversation," Blackwell said.
"Some days, individuals experiencing grief and other hardships may not want to share their feelings or might not have the energy to talk about it," he added. "You can't force someone to open up if they are not in an emotional place to discuss their feelings."
What Do the Comments Say?
Since it was shared to the social-media platform on September 6 by u/Spirited_Ad9924, the Reddit post has been upvoted by 97 percent of the users who engaged with it and commented on more than 760 times.
"It sounds like your aunt needs extensive therapy; it's been eighteen years and she's still acting like her daughter is alive and should be included. I understand losing a child is painful, but that doesn't give her the right to impede her living daughter's life. Refusing to allow her to go on a trip because of an urn is flabbergasting," one user wrote.
Another added: "I can't imagine how painful it is to be told you can't enjoy this because your dead twin sister can't either."
Newsweek's "What Should I Do?" offers expert advice to readers. If you have a personal dilemma, let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice on relationships, family, friends, money and work, and your story could be featured on WSID at Newsweek.
