A woman's decision to turn down a marriage proposal, despite being "very much in love," has divided opinions online.
The Reddit post by u/Throwawayquare20 has racked up more than 13,000 votes since it was shared on August 16. The 44-year-old woman who lives in Massachusetts wrote that she divorced her husband "James" after 21 years in 2021. Since she quit her career to take care of their four children, the judge ordered her to stay on his health insurance and receive a payment per month.
The mom-of-four added: "I get alimony for life, or until I (only I, not my ex) remarried. In terms of health insurance, I'd lose it if either James or I remarried. However, James has been very open about the fact that he hates the idea of marriage/ marrying again even more than he hates me still [being] covered under his health insurance policy."
The woman wrote that she has been in a relationship with her boyfriend, 45, for two years, and recently he got down on one knee.
"My boyfriend and I don't live together and, besides small presents to each other, we pay for ourselves," she added. "Things were good but my boyfriend changed after I had a pregnancy scare.
"He said that if I get pregnant again, he wants us to be living under one roof, and not like two divorced parents. So he proposed. I was upset but had to turn it down because love aside, this was my health insurance and only source of income on the line," she wrote.
The rejection left her boyfriend feeling upset but, logistically speaking, the woman added she would be living on "half of the income" if they were to tie the knot. She wrote that he is a case manager at a non-profit, and they aren't even able to live together due to the court orders.
In 2021, a total of 689,308 divorces occurred across the 45 U.S. states, according to the CDC. Massachusetts-based family lawyer Janelle Tanenbaum told Newsweek if there are any loopholes that would allow the lady to remarry and keep the benefits.
But in short, the answer is no. However, Tanenbaum, who is an attorney at Seder & Chandler, said there are a few options that the woman could explore.
"The termination isn't automatic in the sense that, if she moves in with the boyfriend, her alimony suddenly stops the next day," Tanenbaum added. "It's a process: the ex would have to file a modification, and the court would decide. With a remarriage, it's pretty certain that the alimony would cease.
"If they moved in together, it's a little fuzzier. The court would have the authority to suspend, reduce or terminate alimony after cohabitation of at least three months," Tanenbaum said. "However, the alimony obligation could be reinstated if the common household was then terminated. This isn't an option with remarriage, unless the ex-spouses' agreement specifically states that.
"So, in that sense, cohabitating with the boyfriend provides her a fallback option if they break up, or if she decides cohabitation isn't working. It is also possible that, in the case of cohabitation, a court would reduce but not terminate the alimony because of her inability to support herself, even with the boyfriend's income coming into the joint household."
Tanenbaum added it is unlikely that the woman will be able to remarry and keep the income. The ex-wife must also consider that an alimony terminates at the payer's full retirement age.
"Her ex is 47 now; his full retirement age is probably around 67. If she waits until that point, alimony will terminate anyway. She's three years younger so would be 64; old enough to receive Social Security if she needs it, and she likely has a chunk of retirement assets from the divorce, so at that point she could remarry without losing any income," Tanenbaum said.
If the Reddit user changes her mind about marriage, she could consider exchanging the alimony for a one-time payment.
Tanenbaum added: "The ex would benefit by paying less alimony over the long term, and if she took the buyout, she wouldn't have to worry about alimony being discontinued based on cohabitation or remarriage.
"Assuming all the kids are pursuing higher education, she's got several years of child support remaining (if kids are in college, child support terminates at graduation or age 23) and could consider reducing her expenses by downsizing once she no longer has kids living with her. Depending on her living situation, she might be able to realize some profit from a home sale at that point, too," Tanenbaum said.
So far, the post has received more than 17,000 comments, with one user writing that "the people saying you're choosing money over a relationship are wrong. You can still make a commitment to one another, and live together as if you are married, but without the piece of paper that stops your income."
Another posted: "Your ex can't work forever and statistically women live longer than men. You are setting yourself up for a bad future. This isn't about lessoning the financial burden on your ex, this is about reducing the risk to yourself and taking control of your future. Don't you think its time to take care of yourself instead of having others do it for you? It seems you getting a job would be a great way of getting a LOT of money and if employed by a company access to health insurance that may even be better than what you have now. If you had the right training, you could get a white collar job."
Newsweek reached out to u/Throwawayquare20 via Reddit for comment. We could not verify the details of the case.
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