Asking for a friend: ‘I feel stuck in a sexless marriage and think my wife is playing mind games. Should I leave this toxic relationship?

'It sounds like there is so much hurt here from the two of you, but I also sense love and people who are just exhausted from life’s burdens.' Stock photo

Dr Caroline West

Q: I’ve been married to my wife for over 20 years, and we are both in our forties. Prior to getting married, our sex life was good and there was plenty of spontaneity. It now doesn’t bear any resemblance to what it was, despite buying sexy underwear and nice massage oils. It’s now maybe three times a year. We have kids but my wife also had a few miscarriages, as well as a couple of bereavements. I got injured, which led to me struggling with pain and taking a lot of medication. As you can imagine, such a heavy amount of medication does crazy things to you. On one occasion, I seemingly texted her to say our marriage was over; I have no memory of this. I work a lot and have struggled to get financially on track but we’re constantly fighting now. I feel trapped in a sexless marriage and that she is playing emotional mind games. I’m on the verge of being forced out of my home because my wife doesn’t want anything to do with me. I just want a normal relationship. I’ve tried talking and now I really want to be out of this toxic relationship. What should I do?