My Child Was Almost Sexually Abused By My Young Niece—What Should I Do?

Dear Newsweek, Four years ago my husband and I went on a family vacation to a house owned by my husband's brother. We were with our three (now four) children. My brother-in-law 'Allen' and his wife have a daughter about a year older than my children. At the time of that vacation, she was around 8 years old.

The vacation was fine until the kids were out playing in the tree house on their property. One of my children ran in and told me that my niece had told my youngest boy that she wanted to put his private parts in her mouth and was trying to unzip his pants (before that there was another weird incident while my kids were taking a bath). It seemed minor at the time, so we shrugged that first one off as her being a kid and being interested in what parts a boy has.

I told my brother-in-law what had happened in the tree house and he blew it off saying I was overreacting. They said that my niece spent a lot of time with a teenage relative on his wife's side of the family and maybe it was something she had heard about. My husband and I were upset, but we obviously never personally confronted the child. We left it up to her parents to talk to her. We did, however, say to Allen and his wife that we didn't think this was normal behavior and we thought maybe the child might be being sexually abused by someone. We left on decent terms and we haven't seen the child since then. We all talk often and they have visited a few times without their daughter. The decision to leave their daughter home was not motivated by the incident.

My brother-in-law has been pressuring us since then to come visit and we've not gone. This year, we were finally going to visit and keep a close eye on our children just in case. After we bought the plane tickets and rented a car, my brother-in-law told me that they had just found out that their daughter had indeed been molested by the relative in question and that the police were involved. I told him how sorry we were about the situation. The girl hasn't received any therapy and I don't believe they intend on getting her any due to the cost. They say she is doing fine and has dealt with it.

We can't afford to rent a hotel room, unfortunately, so we have to stay with them during our visit. So I wrote an email (which my husband looked over first) which asked (in what we truly believe was a sensitive and thoughtful way) if they thought she would try anything with our kids again due to what we now know. I have four young children and my first priority will always be their safety. I was sexually assaulted by a very close and trusted adult relative as a child and it destroyed my faith in humans.

My brother-in-law immediately went into defensive mode, cussing us out and saying all sorts of hurtful things. I responded in an even-tempered, logical and kind manner throughout. I tried to say I understood why he was upset with me for asking and that I wasn't trying to victim-blame, that I love my niece too. The thing is, that if my one kid hadn't tattled four years ago, my children would also be victims of sexual assault.

I also asked if the shoe had been on the other foot and it was my boy who did that to their girl, whether they would be so nonchalant about the situation. My brother-in-law is not known for introspection and has no ability to put himself in others' shoes. It's his way or the highway, basically a bully. I felt like we had to ask if they thought she could be trusted. It's our job to protect our kids and we take it very seriously.

So we have been getting the silent treatment for the past month. We love these people and we don't want to be estranged from them. They are our only family. I love his wife, but she has been silent on the matter. I'm not surprised about that. My husband thinks we should cancel our plans.

Did we do the right thing in asking or should I have just kept my mouth shut and tried to keep an eagle eye on my children at all times? Should I just cancel the vacation? I know that decision will make things much, much worse, but I am in a holding pattern and the date is coming up soon. Also, I know how I will be treated if we decide to go. It will be an awkward, uncomfortable trip for me. Probably not for my husband or kids because they are blaming me for everything, which is not ideal, but I can deal with it. My kids will also be devastated if we don't go. They love their uncle and aunt and they were so excited to go.

I don't know what to do. I can't sleep at night and I can't stop thinking about whether I messed things up. Did I do the right thing?

Lynn, Location Unknown

You Are Correct To Be Concerned

Ferdinando Palumbo is a licensed clinical social worker and a therapist in private practice based in Denville, New Jersey. He has worked extensively with survivors of child sexual abuse.

You were absolutely correct to be concerned. Although there are normative, non-dangerous explorations of physical bodies in childhood, a child soliciting to perform fellatio on another child is a huge red flag and beyond that normative scope of exploration. This behavior suggested that your niece is being exposed to sexually explicit materials and/or actions and that she may be a survivor of childhood sexual abuse herself, which turned out to be true in this case, and offending against other children.

Some psychological theorists suggest this is a way to control the sexual abuse perpetrated against them in a poor attempt for a child to empower his or herself after child sexual abuse. It is fairly common for children who were offended against to offend others.

Not only did you ask the appropriate questions, you likely should have contacted child protection services to investigate whether your niece is or had been sexually abused by another person. It's important for parents to recognize the signs of aberrant sexual behaviors in children and know which authorities to contact.

Always Have Your Kids Playing in an Observable Area

Kimberly King is a sexual abuse prevention educator and the author of I Said No! A Kid-to-kid Guide to Keeping Private Parts Private and the upcoming book Body Safety for Young Children: Empowering Caring Adults.

Child sexual abuse between children is more common than anybody knows or is willing to talk about. 100 percent you did the right thing. We all need to keep eagle eyes on kids. Most child sexual abuse incidents happen within the circle of trust—the people we already know and love, such as family members, cousins, other children.

I don't think you have to cancel the vacation if you've had a discussion about body safety, boundaries and consent with your kids and the other family. Everyone needs to feel comfortable and safe. By implementing a few simple safety strategies you can safeguard the kids. Always have your kids playing in an observable area (not the tree house, unless there is an adult up there), with all doors open, playing in open spaces with adults supervising.

Only go ahead with this trip if you know in your gut that you can supervise your kids with eagle eyes and minimize the risks. If you have a bad feeling about the trip, don't go. Always trust your instincts. Safety is the number one priority and much more important than being perceived as the "bad guy."

It's also worth noting that your brother-in-law and his wife may be feeling ashamed and guilty. Since they have a child who was recently molested, they may feel anger, confusion, embarrassment, shame or feel guilty. They may not have the clarity right now to value what you did.

You did them a huge service by telling them what happened with their child and yours. If you ignored it and said nothing, their child might still be suffering. Your kid also told you about it, which is rare. You did the right thing to protect the whole family and acted like a responsible adult.

When your child experiences sexual abuse, your feelings are all over the map. With time, space and communication in a non-judgmental zone there is a great deal of hope for both families to learn from this.

Specialists from the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN) sexual assault hotline are available 24/7 via phone (1 (800) 656-4673) and online chat. Additional support from the group is also accessible via the mobile app.