5 activities better suited for an MLB stadium series than Pickleball

America’s fastest-growing nuisance is coming to a ballpark venue near you this summer

Published7 hours ago

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NYC Mayor Eric Adams plays a game of pickleball at City Pickle at Wollman Rink in Central Park

Here at Deadspin, we’ve penned so much inflammatory shit about pickleball that I feel bad degrading Americans for working out. If you want to spend your summer playing jumbo Ping-Pong, that’s OK. Lather up a sweat, burn some calories, and spend $89.95 on a paddle that assuredly won’t collect dust in six months like the trendy workout equipment that came before it.

All I’m asking is for impressionable masses to stop pressing pickleball upon people who like/play real sports — and to clarify whether they’re called pickleball balls, or pickleballs. (It’s redundant, but pickleballs sounds like a venereal disease, so I can understand the reticence.)

Two such people pushing the sport like overzealous car salesmen are ex-MLB execs Mike Dee and Bob Bowman. Dee, who held senior-level business roles with the San Diego Padres and Boston Red Sox, and Bowman, the former MLB Advanced Media president and chief executive, have leveraged their incredible industry acumen to bring a ballpark series to pickleball.

Yes, very much in the same vein as the NHL’s Stadium Series, Pickleball4America will hold events at MLB stadia around the country. Boston’s Fenway Field, San Francisco’s Oracle Park, and Denver’s Coors Field will be invaded by pros and amateurs alike to boost the visibility of an activity growing at a pace unmatched since the running boom of the 1970s. (No clue if that running tidbit is accurate, but Mike D says it is, and I never question a member of the Beastie Boys. Also, shoutout to Anchorman for its historically accurate jogging “Soft J” joke.)

This got me thinking: What other sports should be plopped on a baseball diamond in the name of growth and capitalism?

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Slacklining

Image for article titled 5 activities better suited for an MLB stadium series than Pickleball — Photo: AP

Remember when this was popular? I know I’ll never forget that couple of years when a bunch of hipsters aspired to be circus workers. Let’s bring the slack back. Set up a few smaller lines in the infield, and maybe one in the bullpen. If you really want to up the stakes, string one from the Green Monster to the Pesky Pole, and watch as top-knots plummet to their death.

It’d be like those guys who tightroped across the Grand Canyon only in color and infinitely more lame.

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Badminton

There’s only one true, niche leisure sport with a racket, and that’s the incomparable badminton. It’s unconventional, fun, and features a shuttlecock. Let me know when the Nelson-Atkins Museum of Art in Kansas City installs giant pickleballs in its lawn the way it did with s-cocks.

Have you ever seen a 211-shot rally in Pickleball? Badminton fans did last week, and tell me this 3-minute and 41-second exchange wouldn’t enthrall a baseball stadium full of fans.

Epic 211-shot badminton rally delights fans in Malaysia

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Softball

Be it women’s softball, or the glorified beer league, I would love to see a sport played on a major league field that actually resembles baseball. I know, seems crazy, right? MLB clubs already do something similar with legends games, so it’s not outside the realm of possibilities. Maybe play a couple women’s softball regionals at venues located in states that don’t have a draconian stance on abortion. I don’t know. Just spitballing here.

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Softball (cont’d)

While I’m unsure how the dimensions would translate, one of baseball’s few appeals remaining is its historical parks. Fans just enjoy drinking beer in a cool atmosphere — which is likely what prompted the Pickleballpark series in the first place. Be that as it may, I’d rather watch Gary Vitto pummel yellow softballs over the short porch than four geriatrics backhand a slightly heavier wiffleball.

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Mascot race Olympics

In my attempts to facetiously belittle Pickleball, I think I’ve stumbled upon a goldmine.

One of the highlights of going to any MLB game is the mascot race. Originated by the Milwaukee Brewers, I’d absolutely pay money to watch the cream of the Kraut race around the outfield. Who’s that guy in Atlanta? Mr. Freeze? Let’s get him, the fastest of the presidents from Nationals Park, and whichever other lovable figures qualify, and see who wins a sprint in a silly costume.

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American Gladiators

American Gladiators is as much a sport as pickleball, and if you really want to break it down by athletic ability, it takes more physical prowess to climb the Aggro Crag on Nickelodeon’s Guts than weeknight warriors expend during a pickleball match.

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American Gladiators (cont’d)

I’d rather reboot old IP than buy into Cryptoball. Despite the potential financial and physical benefits, I’m completely out on pickleball and Bitcoin. Give me Blazer, Laser, and Taser pelting average Joes with tennis balls 100 times out of 100. You could get creative with obstacle courses in the concession areas, and hold jousting matches on top of the dugouts. I don’t give a fuck, and am more than certain I’ve made my feelings known on this Pickleballpark series bullshit.

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