My Mother-in-Law Has Broken My Heart—What Should I Do?

Dear Newsweek, my husband and I have been married for 29 years and we've been together for over 32 years. We were high school sweethearts. Now, my mother-in-law who used to be so sweet and caring that I used to call her mom has completely changed.

My husband, who's a very hard worker, loves me to pieces and would do anything for myself and our children. One day, my mother-in-law called him a stupid idiot for marrying me. She claimed that my daughter and I were using him and controlling him. A few days later she told our daughter, who I believe was 12 or 13 years old at the time, that my husband was going to kill himself and that it was going to be our daughter's fault.

This is her flesh-and-blood granddaughter! Am I in the wrong here, because I refuse to talk to her or to step foot in her house again? At Christmas, I sat in our car the entire time we were there. She has never apologized to me. I was standing next to my daughter when she told her that, and has not said one word to me since that day which was almost three years ago. Am I wrong? Am I being childish?

Honestly, as far as why she said that, the only thing I can figure is that she was miserable so everyone else should be too. Heck, she even lied on us! She said that I let my 14-year-old smoke cigarettes, watch porn with her boyfriend, and have sex. She's absolutely nuts, never in a million years would I have ever allowed this! It truly broke my heart. This same woman, I called her "mama" for 25 years and I loved her to pieces.

Sharie, Georgia

She May Need Psychotherapy

Dr. Carole Lieberman is a psychiatrist and author. She has served as a member of the clinical faculty at UCLA's Neuropsychiatric Institute.

Though, jokingly, you said your mother in law was "absolutely nuts," your words may hold more truth than you realize. It seems that she is suffering from some psychiatric problem and needs help.

Your mother-in-law is undoubtedly suffering from depression, and possibly other problems, as well. She may not see the outrageous comments she's been making to your family as lies. In fact, they may be delusions—either from a major depression with psychosis, or from early dementia.

You don't mention anything about your husband being concerned. Is he not worried that there may be something more seriously wrong with his mom than her being in a bad mood? Perhaps he's in denial as to the seriousness of her problem.

Instead of sitting outside and ignoring her, both you and your husband should take her to see a psychiatrist as soon as possible. She needs psychotherapy and probably medication, as well. She may also need neurological tests to rule out dementia. An evaluation by a psychiatrist can point you in the right direction.

Set Clear Boundaries With Your Mother-in-Law

Lana Banegas is a licensed marriage and family therapist who specializes in sex therapy. Banegas is the founder and practice director of The Marriage Point, a group practice in Marietta, Georgia.

It seems that you have experienced profound hurt and betrayal from your mother-in-law. Her comments to your daughter and your husband were very inappropriate. This speaks of the level of dysfunction and dysregulation in her psychological world.

You are right in setting boundaries with her. However, boundaries and cutting her off look very different because you remain married to her son and because there are various family events and functions that you will both want to attend.

Cutting off all contact with her is not the best and healthiest option. I would suggest sitting down with her and outlining her hurts and violations, then setting clear boundaries with her, letting her know that she must take accountability for her past words, confess to the lies, ask for forgiveness, and commit to never speaking in such ways again if she wants to be involved in the life of your family.

If she is not receptive to this, or fails to take accountability, at least you would feel good that you spoke up for yourself. If she does respond well, this could be the beginning of repairing the relationship. Relationships are the most important part of life and can be the source of great joy and connection.