21 Of The Funniest Tweets About Married Life (April 11-24)

My wife’s traveling for work. Please send me some random chores or shout something sarcastic, so I don’t miss her. Thank you

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) April 11, 2023

Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?

Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.

— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) April 21, 2023

I know I shouldn't get angry at my husband for something he did in a dream, but he bought a freakin' tiny house. this is unacceptable wtf

— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) April 17, 2023

My husband just marched me into our bedroom to scold me for leaving my clothes on the floor and as he was delivering his speech he started surreptitiously picking up his own clothes from the floor and that's marriage, baby.

— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) April 22, 2023

Me and my husband were arguing about who was going to clean the living room. My 9yo from the other room, "are you guys flirting?" We looked at each other like are we flirting? Is this flirting now?

— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) April 22, 2023

My daughter came in at 3 am and said she can’t sleep her sister is snoring and if this doesn’t prepare her for marriage I don’t know what will.

— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) April 14, 2023

Husband: “I put your car keys back in your fanny pack.”

Me: “iT’s CaLLeD a BeLt BaG."

— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) April 13, 2023

Help! I’m making a playlist to drive to Michigan next week and need upbeat suggestions. My wife recently informed me that the music I like is “really depressing” and makes her “want to pass out”. 🙏

— lucy bexley 🧃 (@bexley_lucy) April 21, 2023

Marriage is just asking each other “What was that?” every time you hear a noise in the house for the rest of your life

— McDad (@mcdadstuff) April 20, 2023

Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. "Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?"

— Ashley Reisinger (@Awritesinger) April 22, 2023

There’s always that person who runs the dishwasher half full, and another who waits until it’s full to run it. And they marry each other.

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) April 18, 2023

Every time someone introduces me as @inlandemperor’s wife I say “actually she’s *my* wife”

— Sarah Rebecca Kessler (@moveablejaw) April 11, 2023

my wife asked to put the ac on when it’s 61° outside, that’s when the fight started

— Dad Set Against (@DadSetAgainst) April 21, 2023

My husband just explained to me that he isn't cutting his hair due to the hockey playoffs. I wonder when they called and asked for his help

— mean things I say to myself (@meantomyself) April 23, 2023

My wife didn’t open a package the minute it arrived and I’m starting to wonder if she’s a psychopath

— McDad (@mcdadstuff) April 21, 2023

Me: Do that thing I like.

Husband: Soaks dishes.

— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) April 24, 2023

My husband just stumbled over his words and accidentally accused me of "weaponized incontinence" and now I'm just wondering what that would even look like.

— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) April 21, 2023

Hear me out, marriage with subscription options: “I’d like a monthly marriage please with the ‘cancel penalty-free at any time’ option and the one month free sign up bonus.”

— nika (@nikalamity) April 13, 2023

Welcome back to the Being In The Way Olympics where I have somehow won bronze, silver and gold according to my wife

— Lord Hugh Mungus (@PoodleSnarf) April 14, 2023

My wife can be overly dramatic, but rarely "weather app rain alert" dramatic.

— A Dad Influence #🟦 (@gbergan) April 17, 2023

On a date with my husband, and I googled “things for adults to do without kids” in our city because I’ve honestly forgotten.

— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) April 15, 2023