The Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week (April 15-21)

I love when people underestimate my almost 3yo and are like “is that a choo-choo?” And he’ll be like “actually, it’s a high speed bullet train”.

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) April 20, 2023

My kids could never get away with a murder because they'd leave an empty fruit snack wrapper at the crime scene.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 20, 2023

Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) April 18, 2023

My 16yo said a girl at school stopped him in the hallway to ask if he’s single. He wants to know what that means.

Y’all, am I raising one of those goofy oblivious dudes who don’t know when people like them?

— Uju Anya (@UjuAnya) April 21, 2023

I'm proud of my husband for publishing his first paper in Nature today, but I'm even prouder that my 10yo read the paper and found a grammatical error.

— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) April 20, 2023

My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) April 20, 2023

My six year old is watching a YouTube video about a topic that I happen to have a lot of interest in, and I asked him if he knew that I love this topic. He said, "I don't really know you that much" sir I -

— mean things I say to myself (@meantomyself) April 15, 2023

me: please stop sucking on your fingers

6: im not!

me: i just saw your fingers in your mouth

6: yes, i was trying to bite them

— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) April 16, 2023

Sleep when the baby sleeps, scream when the baby screams.

— Annie Way (@Anniewritess) April 20, 2023

My daughter told me she has a plan for Spring as the cat-callers come out:

She's making a small sign to pull out of her pocket when men say things to her. It says, "Fuck you, I'm 12."

— Jessica Valenti (@JessicaValenti) April 20, 2023

Smartest thing I ever did was have two kids. They are currently asking each other to ‘watch this’ while in the pool. This shit is finally paying off

— Mom Jeans (@momjeansplease) April 21, 2023

5yo: mom carry me

me: oof you're getting big

5yo: oof you're getting old

me:

— meghan (@deloisivete) April 21, 2023

Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.

Get it together, toddlers.

— An Apple Hat (@AnAppleHat) April 18, 2023

me: whatcha guys watching?

10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie

The Land before time. They were watching... The land before time...

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) April 15, 2023

I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.

— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) April 19, 2023

I didn’t think it was possible to move at negative speed until I witnessed my preschooler zipping up her own jacket.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) April 20, 2023

My 6yo tried walking past me while I was sitting on a chair. He tripped on the chair, fell to the ground and blamed me for it! Now I had no part in his fall but when he said that I tripped him on purpose, despite me not having moved, my laughter was seen as an admission of guilt.

— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) April 15, 2023

I told my daughter I had a crush on someone and she said “I’m not trying to be rude but why?!?”

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) April 20, 2023

What is it like to be a parent?

Imagine you are straining to carry every single grocery bag and someone tosses you a priceless vase. Also, the kitchen is on fire.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 17, 2023

All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.

— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) April 20, 2023