'I Quit Drinking Wine, My Relationships Changed Completely' 

When I was younger, I didn't like alcohol. In the U.S. it's considered a rite of passage for somebody to go out and drink on their 21st birthday. On mine, people were buying me shots and drinks but I was giving them away. I sipped on a beer all night because I didn't have an interest in drinking lots of alcohol.

But soon after my 21st, I got into a relationship with someone who was a heavy drinker, which changed everything for me. I remember clearly that we drank a lot together when we started dating. At first, we drank on special occasions, but as our relationship continued, my then-partner wanted to drink every night.

Initially, I didn't want to, but I cared about and loved him. I could see that it would put a wedge between us if I wasn't drinking with him. So, in 2009, in my early twenties, I decided to have fun with him and started enjoying drinking myself. I thought this was something people were supposed to do and I would outgrow it.

However, I became a heavy drinker very quickly. I drank wine almost every day and was binge drinking seven nights a week. On weekends, I would day drink and didn't mind having a hangover. It was a part of my regular weekly life. This went on for several years.

In 2012, a few years after heavily drinking, I became scared because I couldn't remember the last time I went alcohol-free. So, I took a break from drinking alcohol for a week.

During that seven days, I quickly realized how addicted I was to alcohol.

Usually, I would start drinking as soon as I got home from my 9-to-5 job. During that week, I really wanted to drink. I had to take a sleeping pill nearly every night. I made it through, but it was very difficult.

As soon as I got to day eight, I drank heavily again.

That started many years of me cycling in and out of periods of heavy binge drinking, getting scared, realizing this is an issue, trying to rein it in, and maybe going sober for a little while before the cycle continued.

During the times that I was temporarily sober, I always knew I was going to drink again, it was just a matter of when because my mind was obsessively thinking about it all of the time.

I couldn't go to places, or see people. My life became very small because I was just trying not to drink. Even though I was sober on the outside, inside I was still very much desiring a drink.

I knew that I wanted to get my drinking problem under control, even though I was not having success with it. I would have many honest attempts at quitting drinking, but they were unsuccessful.

I even went on personal development retreats, read books, and attended Alcoholics Anonymous a few times, but it never worked for me.

One morning, when I was hungover, I was scouring the internet and I came across a famous TEDx talk about an American actress who overcame her alcohol addiction. She spoke about a science-based treatment that works essentially inside the brain to deduct its alcohol addiction over time.

This radically changed everything for me, and in 2017, I fell out of love with alcohol over the course of a year and I haven't thought about it since. It's been over four and a half years now.

Months after going sober, I noticed that I was genuinely happier, joyful, and more connected to life. Alcohol numbed me for so long, to the point where I was desensitized to the simple joys of life.

One of the first and most significant things I noticed was the shift in my anxiety. Before quitting alcohol, I would wake up almost every morning with a pounding in my chest and I felt anxious. I thought it was normal because I had become so used to it.

For almost a decade, that level of anxiety I experienced every morning was completely linked to my drinking. I didn't realize that anxiety is actually a form of alcohol withdrawal when you're experiencing it related to drinking.

So, every morning, my body was withdrawing from the alcohol after a night of binging. I still get anxious, of course, but I do not have chronic, daily anxiety.

My emotions also changed, too. I used to regularly take cocktails with me in a thermos on my walks in nature. When I stopped drinking, I still went on nature walks.

One day, I was on a trail that I'd walked countless times before, and I remember seeing an amazing, beautiful flower. The beauty of it just stopped me in my tracks. I was in awe of this flower. I actually wept.

I smelt it and thought: "Oh, my gosh. I'd walked past that flower and other beautiful things a million times before, but I was so desensitized to them because of alcohol."

My body was not in tune with anything around me. Finally, I was able to see this flower and appreciate it, and feel a genuine sense of joy. I felt present in my surroundings and so appreciative of this small, little, simple joy of life.

Being present in the moment allowed me to appreciate many things, like watching my nephew open his birthday gift or going out for an ice cream cone, or walking in nature.

Before, I couldn't appreciate these things as much, because my thoughts were fixated on alcohol. I'd think: "Where's my next drink?" Or: "Will there be enough alcohol at this gathering?"

I also realized that I was not a very good friend when I was drinking socially. I would be so focused on drinking, and whether there was enough wine for me, or if someone was drinking out of my bottle, that I wouldn't pay attention to the conversation in front of me.

Through treatment and getting free from addiction, I realize I'm a much better friend now. I listen, pay attention, and care more. I feel much more sensitive to my emotions and surroundings in general because alcohol numbed me for so long in so many ways, and I didn't even realize it.

Though I still have social anxiety sometimes in certain settings, I can get through it. I recognize that I'm just a much better person and friend for it.

After going sober, I realized that dealing with my emotions was difficult at first. Previously, I would always reach for a drink if I was angry, sad, bored, or depressed. Alcohol was always within reach and only a few hours away. To be able to sit with my emotions without reaching for a drink was difficult.

I remember the first time I did it, I thought I was going to have a panic attack. It was overwhelming just to feel that emotion. But what I realized was that I could survive it. After a few hours, the feeling passed, and I got through it without leaning on alcohol. This built my confidence to do it again and again.

It wasn't an overnight process, but the rewards of living a more authentic, wholehearted life are worth it. No alcohol buzz can replace that.

If there is someone who is reading this and struggling, they should know that there are answers out there. They don't have to feel ashamed or terrible about what they're going through.

A lot of people in my life didn't know I had a drinking problem, and I think that often happens with people. It became a secret addiction, which caused my life to become more unhealthy and destructive.

But, there are answers out there, and if they can get this problem behind them, there's a whole new world out there; a life filled with meaning, purpose, joy, and connection.

As I said before, no alcohol buzz can replace that.

Katie Lain is over 4.5 years alcohol-free. She spends her time helping others get free from drinking addictions and loves living a sober life full of creative hobbies, meaningful relationships, and healthful pursuits. You can find the TEDx talk that she spoke about here.

All views expressed in this article are the author's own.

As told to Newsweek associate editor, Carine Harb.

Do you have a unique experience or personal story to share? Email the My Turn team at myturn@newsweek.com.