Dad Prioritizing His Wife by Rejecting Daughter's Wedding Invite Praised

A recently bereaved father has asked for advice on Reddit after he skipped his daughter's wedding while grieving the death of his baby.

In the post, user jayjay-84 explains that he has an older daughter from a one night stand at a party, whose mother moved her away when she was a child. Despite this, the user does have a relationship with his daughter, and was invited to her wedding on March 25.

He explains that he is married and the couple had a baby daughter on March 25, 2022, who tragically died last year. He describes how a year on, they "haven't fully come to terms with things," and he chose not to go to his eldest daughter's wedding because he was "not in a good way mentally on that day. It was a day of tears."

According to the American Society of Clinical Oncology (ASCO), when dealing with the loss of a child, the initial intense sense of grief will not be continuous. "Periods of intense grief often come and go over 18 months or longer," the ASCO report. "Over time, your grief may come in waves that are gradually less intense and less frequent. But you will likely always have some feelings of sadness and loss."

The Reddit user alleges that his eldest daughter and her family have never met his wife, never congratulated them on the birth of their daughter, and chose her wedding date after his baby daughter's death. He also said his wife wasn't invited and that as "she is still grieving," he "didn't feel it appropriate to leave" her.

In the post, he explains that he financially contributed to the wedding but it was never the plan for him to walk his eldest daughter down the aisle.

The daughter's side of the family are now sending "scathing messages" to the user, however, he has been voted "not the a******" by Reddit users.

Newsweek spoke to psychotherapist and psychoanalyst Leide Porcu about grief and family dynamics.

"Grief is a complex experience that can permeate every aspect of one's life," she said. "It involves the emotional, physical, cognitive, behavioral and spiritual components. We have been misled into thinking grief comes in neat stages and that after a reasonable amount of time it is completed. Grief comes in waves and, depending from the loss, it can stay with you for years, haunt you in your dreams and it can remain with the griever for the whole life.

"But in the best scenario, people learn to cope with it; give it time and a space in their lives while they also learn, little by little, to continue living and find new meaning. There is not one way of grieving. It depends on the culture, history, attachment style, the relationship with the person that died and the quality of the relationships that support the mourner."

Porcu continued: "This is a painful and lonely state of affair. If this is the case of the father and the new wife, the father reaching out to the internet community is a healthy attempt to be heard and acknowledged because the mourner needs validation and a supportive community. You could interpret the daughter's behavior as a challenge to enforce the father's loyalty to the original family and I can imagine that the father feels caught in the middle.

"Anniversaries are painful reminders of the loss. I'd reach out to whomever can be of help, including the internet community, and I would also recommend communicating with the daughter through written letters if verbal communication is not possible, as they are less easily misinterpreted than text or email."

Most users supported the father, with one user saying: "There's not a single person I know that would do this. Not a single one. Not even 10 years removed from the death would they do this."

While another commented: "That's not a good enough reason. She should've picked another date. It's extremely inconsiderate of her to pick a date that is the worst day in your life."

Some users believed that the father was in the wrong to prioritize his grief and his wife over his eldest daughter's wedding. "Her and her partner picked a sentimental date to them. They can't just change the date they met," said one user defending the wedding date.

Another comment, with over 11,000 likes, read: "I totally understand the need to grieve but you have a deceased daughter and a living daughter. You needed to support your living daughter—she needed you there. I'm sorry if that sounds cold but this was such a big event and I'm sure she dreamed of you being a part of it."

Newsweek has reached out to jayjay-84 via Reddit for comment.

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