The term theyby may be new, but raising gender neutral children has been around. In 2011, parents in Toronto captured the world's attention when they announced they were raising their child without gender designation. Image used for representational purposes/Reuters
“It’s a they!” That’s what parents of newborns are declaring these days. In the age of the woke, raising gender-neutral babies is all the rage. They are called theybies, identified neither as boys nor girls. And before you scoff or think we are joking, a simple Google search will show that it is, in fact, a real thing, acquiring more support all over the world.
While some parents laud this new concept of raising gender neutral children, there are others who opine that it could lead to children having a difficult time in school and in society.
Here’s a deep dive into this trend — from what it exactly means, to why parents are espousing the cause and what could be the problems with raising children this way.
What are theybies?
Theybies — a combination of the neutral pronoun “they” and the word “baby” — simply refers to young children raised as neither boys nor girls. A parenting style popular with progressive people, it involves foregoing gender-specific names, pronouns, toys, clothes and other paraphernalia with the hope that the child will instead develop the identity that suits them best when they feel ready to explore it.
Scott Rubin, author of Naming Your Little Geek, notes that there is a movement being observed across the world where progressive parents are trying to raise babies as gender-neutral as they can. He states that it’s evolved from being open to children playing with any kind of toys to allowing them to wear whatever clothes in any colour of their choice so as to not enforce gender stereotypes on them. And theybies, in his opinion, is taking more comprehensive steps towards it.
This means, adieu to not allowing boys to play with dolls or girls to roughhouse with others and so on and so forth.
In some cases, parents of theybies don’t even reveal the assigned sex at birth to anyone. “It is truly up to the child to grow into, and reveal to the world, the gender and gender expression of their own identification when they see fit,” says Rubin to Scarymommy.com.
Nate Sharpe, a parent of a theyby, told NBC News, “A theyby is, I think, different things to different people. For us, it means raising our kids with gender-neutral pronouns — so, ‘they,’ ‘them,’ ‘their,’ rather than assigning ‘he,’ ‘she,’ ‘him,’ ‘her’ from birth based on their anatomy.”
While this style of parenting is now gathering steam, it first captured people’s attention when in 2011, a Toronto couple announced that they were raising their child, Storm, without gender designation.
Why are parents opting for this?
Gaining prominence among woke parents, this style of parenting is a way of providing more leeway for self-determination, and freedom from the gender biases which might otherwise plague them from infancy.
The Sharpe family, in the NBC News report, explained that the decision to raise theybies came from a mix of research and personal experience. Julia told the media outlet that when she found out she was pregnant, she felt conflicted about learning the sex of the twins. As a female engineer in a male-dominated profession, she understood the constraints of gender expectations firsthand.
And it’s true. Gender stereotypes have hurt children. A research has shown that adults underestimate female children’s motor skills at 11 months.
Australian parents Amy and Danny in a Daily Mail report said that they didn’t tell anyone their child Bertie’s gender because they didn’t want their child to be stereotyped. They were unhappy when their daughter was subjected to stereotypes and hence, made the decision for Bertie.
Dr Kyl Myers is another parent of a theyby. She said to The Cut that she realised that gender was not a biological imperative but rather a social construct. She says the point is not to have a genderless child but one who comes to an understanding of their gender — whatever it might be — in an environment where colours and objects and activities are not slotted into the arbitrary and binary categories of “girl” and “boy,” and the concepts of “girl” and “boy” are not set up in opposition to each other.
Also read: God is neither man nor woman, says Church of England
Kori Doty, another parent of a theyby, told The Guardian that while the term itself might be new, that this style of parenting has been around. ““All of a sudden, (gender diversity) seems like it’s coming out of nowhere. But the truth is that it was actually there all along. The old way is really cracking. And even people who have had enough privilege to be able to not pay attention to the fact that it needed to crack – even they’re paying attention now,” Doty was quoted as telling The Guardian.
Listing the benefits of raising theybies, parents say that they are growing into creative, free-spirited children and young adults. Michigan-based Brandon Walsh tells ScaryMommy.com that it has boosted his theyby’s confidence and creativity. “The best part is that they don’t allow societal expectations to dictate their individuality and have even stood up to many bullies at school. This makes me feel nothing less than a successful parent, knowing that my children are capable enough to stand up for themselves without losing their authenticity,” he was quoted as saying.
What’s the problem then?
Some developmental experts hail this as a noble cause, but worry if some parents are taking it too far — by hiding or not revealing their child’s gender to anyone. They also expressed worry how the theyby would cope once they enter a gendered world. After all, the world is divided into male and female and what happens if you don’t fit into that category.
British psychotherapist Mark Vahrmeyer, who works with children and parents on gender issues, said that raising theybies could lead to them being bullied and having a tough time in society. “By raising a child perhaps in this way, where they’re not assigned a gender at all, they are different,” he told Daily Mail. “By definition, they are standing out no matter how we look at it. It does create that sense of difference and it is ultimately still an experiment.”
He added that there’s a fine line between how far this is taken. Australian television sports presenter, Erin Molan, is one of the people who thinks theybies is taking the entire gender neutral movement too far.
Also read: How beauty and fashion trends have blurred the gender roles
She called the trend a “scary” experiment. “You don’t want to tell parents how to parent… but even to the extent that it’s an ‘experiment’… I don’t think kids should be used in that kind of way,” she said on Sky News. “This stuff is going too far. If your child … (is) mature enough and old enough (to) think they are not the gender they were assigned at birth, then deal with it then and do what needs to be done to make sure that child is happy and fulfilled and living a life that they want to live.”
She added, “I just think it’s unnecessary and actually a little bit scary… because when your kid leaves your home and enters the real world, they’re going to be bloody confused and they’re going to be disadvantaged and it’s going to be detrimental to them,” she said.
There’s also the argument that raising children without gender hurts the LGBTQ+ movement, and erases or minimises queer identities.
While the argument continues on theybies, it may at least reduce the number of those absurd gender reveal videos — with “daddy’s little princess”/“mommy’s little heartbreaker” — we come across on social media.
With inputs from agencies
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