The Dangers of Seeking Love Online-'It Turned Me Into the Queen of Anxiety'
Nowadays many people look for love on their iPhones and dating coach and podcaster Sabrina Zohar was no exception. The 32-year-old from California spent over a decade on dating apps, using the likes of Ok Cupid, Bumble, Tinder and Coffee Meets Bagel before meeting her current boyfriend through Hinge at the end of 2022.
After trying so many apps, Zohar admits she struggled before reaching a healthy perspective on online dating.
Across the world, the most popular app is Badoo, with over 105 million visits a month, while Tinder, often considered a hook up app, sees around 94 million visits a month worldwide.
Too much of a bad thing?
Dating apps can be convenient and easy, and some users will swipe through profiles as a means to pass the time, rather than looking to find anything meaningful. But what sort of danger can this pose to a person's mental health?
An article in Psychology Today suggests that the desire to swipe endlessly can affect a person's well-being, and the negative impacts of online dating shouldn't be overlooked.
When first creating an online profile there's pressure to pick the best and most flattering pictures of yourself, which can lead to complications with body image for some.
That's before the person even suffers the feeling of rejection that comes with being ghosted. Repeatedly being dropped in such a way can deplete a person's self-esteem, as the lack of closure that comes with being ghosted can leave them asking questions about themselves.
Dating fatigue is a real issue that comes after too many failed dates, too much rejection, and the constant pressure to find a match.
Zohar spoke to Newsweek about the often-understated perils of online dating.
"People are very transactional with the apps, and it takes away from having any intentional connection," she said. "You spend so much time on it to get nothing back. A lot of people use the apps for validation, but they don't even know what their dating needs are. When you're on the apps, you don't actually have that many options, regardless of how many matches you get."
Zohar used the apps for an hour a day, often swiping passively because she wasn't in the right headspace to make a connection.
'Queen of anxiety'
It's easy to swipe on one profile and then there's another to look over, and another, and on it goes. It can be hard to stop because there's an endless supply of potential matches and sometimes becomes more like a game, rather than a means to find love.
Despite spending hours looking through profiles, Zohar says there is very little return on investment in online dating, and realizing that was an empowering tool to alter her mindset.
A study published by Queen Mary University of London suggests that the desire to swipe endlessly can affect a person's well-being, and the negative impacts of online dating shouldn't be overlooked.
It observed key differences in the way men and women use Tinder. Male users appeared to show a more casual view of who they'd match with, whereas 93 percent of women only matched with profiles they were attracted to and would like to get to know.
So while women used a more filtered approach to gain matches, their male counterparts were swiping right for a higher proportion of profiles and paying less attention to their compatibility. The study concluded that this "undermines the functionality of Tinder."
Zohar continued: "[Online dating] took a toll on my mental health because I didn't have it in me to spend all this energy on something that was such a small ROI (Return on Investment). I needed to utilize my time properly, not sit and fantasize about people I met through a profile.
"I was seeking validation from people, allowing these strangers to dictate my mood. I was holding onto the idea of a complete stranger to create a fantasy or false sense of intimacy, and I would feel low if I didn't get the reciprocity from people who wanted different things.
"I was the queen of anxiety because it was more chance to be let down, and that affected my self-esteem because it's constant rejection. People were ghosting me, but I expected so many things from them. There's way too much pressure on it."
'Everyone is on the apps for different reasons'
Zohar learned that she had to change her perspective and temper her expectations if she wanted to continue using dating apps.
"Just because you meet someone on an app doesn't mean they want the relationship that you do," Zohar said. "Nobody owes you anything, and people go on the apps thinking that they automatically mean a commitment."
"You expect so much from someone and that's a dangerous place to live, so it's going to affect your headspace. Just because you have a dating app doesn't mean you should put your entire life into it. You must build a life outside of dating and use the app as a supplemental thing.
"I think when I shifted my perspective on the dating apps, it stopped affecting my mental health as severely. It depends on the mindset that you have while using the apps. It crushed my mental health because of the importance that I put onto the apps at first.
"It took being hurt and seeing that everyone is on the apps for different reasons to see that I had to date differently. I had to accept that just because you meet on an app, this person doesn't owe you anything. It took learning that the hard way."
Zohar offers a "cautionary tale to manage your expectations" when using dating apps.
"Don't let people you're meeting through an app validate you," Zohar told Newsweek. "Being confident in who you are is important, so if you're scared of rejection then I would avoid it. If you're going to take it personally then it's going to be detrimental."
So much choice goes hand in hand with an abundance of rejection, which some might perceive as failure.
'Disappointment can weigh us down'
Online daters are faced with many pressures, which dating expert and author, Fiona Eckersley thinks can cause a person's self-worth to "quickly plummet."
Putting yourself out there to be judged, and feeling the need to live up to a persona, can create a lot of stress.
"Online dating, while convenient and alluring, can exact a toll on your self-esteem and emotional well-being," Eckersley told Newsweek.
"It can be hard to deny the excitement that comes with matching with someone, but when it doesn't work out the disappointment can weigh us down," she said. "Faced with the need for perfection, we can stress about picking the most attractive image, and worry that we don't sound exciting or interesting enough."
Some matches go further than just a few messages and can lead to a date, but Eckersley warns users that "too many unsuccessful dates make you jaded" and people start thinking that they're the problem.
Does online dating give us too much choice?
People often quip that there's "plenty of fish in the sea," (which is also the name of a dating app) but are there too many profiles to choose from?
According to Amy Morin, a licensed psychotherapist and the editor of Verywell Mind, the overwhelming number of profiles can lead to indecision.
She explained: "Online dating means you have a constant menu of people to choose from. More choices can mean trouble deciding. It can also mean trouble committing as there may be other people who look like they could make good partners."
Morin highlighted that online dating can lead to stress, confusion, body image issues and lack of self-esteem, so it's imperative that users recognize these signals in themselves.
"If someone notices that dating apps are taking a toll on their mental health, they may want to take a break from using them and work on getting themselves in a better frame of mind," she said.
'You don't fall in love with a ratio'
A new dating app which launched in 2023 encourages people to give their thumbs a rest from swiping by opting to video chat with matches instead. Following a brief conversation, Ditto users decide whether to meet in person.
Ditto limits users to one hourly session a week, preventing them from becoming overwhelmed by rejection and the constant desire to match with someone new. After the app launched in February, Newsweek spoke to one of the founders, Luke Connolly, about why he felt it was important to change the game.
"There's a very small chance that you will actually get a date on most apps as they keep you engaged and swiping, rather than leading to anything," Connolly said.
"When people aren't getting matches, they get in their heads. There are sizable problems with fatigue and burnout," he said. "When using apps, you're only as good as your match ratio, and that's very problematic. You don't fall in love with a ratio, you fall in love with someone who is suitable to you."
Ditto's concept encourages users to put the "human connection" back into dating and to have more "real life experiences."
Overall then, dating apps can be a great way to connect people and form relationships, but there are down sides that can't be denied, and users should be aware of their limitations. Happy swiping!
