Sex Lives: A Guy Who Got a Little Too Hot in the Bedroom 

Sex Lives chronicles the evolution of one person's sexual history. This week: Everett, 42, from Lawrence, KS. 

The biggest recurring theme of my sex life is being oblivious. In my high school biology class I was in this group of four. One day one of the two girls started talking about how she gave her first blowjob. The other girl says, “Oh, that's a milestone. It's not as romantic as your first kiss, or the first time having sex, but it's still a milestone.” And then she turned to me and said, “Help me Everett, help me. I want to hit that milestone. I want to give my first blowjob.” In my head I was like, “So I'm supposed to find you a guy? Why is it my job to play matchmaker?” It took me a year to figure out she was talking about me. I was just walking past her locker and I stopped in my tracks because I finally realized what was going on and I tried to ask her on a date and she said, “Well, I have a boyfriend now.”

I didn’t lose my virginity until I joined the Army. I met a woman who was in the Navy and married. I was nineteen and she was only eighteen, but she’d gotten married right out of high school and then joined the Navy. She propositioned me in her car. We were just friends hanging out and then she told me that her husband had called her upset because his parents were getting divorced. Apparently, the issue was his mom got married straight out of high school and never had any other experiences and didn’t date anyone else and then got bored. So her husband called and told her she should sleep with someone else so that she didn’t just have experience with him and she could know what she was missing. And she told me that whole story and then said, “What do you think?” It was my first time, so it wasn’t like, amazing, but I was young and full of energy so we went five rounds that night. 

She’s not married to that guy anymore. She called him and told him, “I took your advice. I did it.” And he flipped out and said, “You were supposed to say no! I’ll never be tempted and I’m never going to do that!” 

As soon as I lost my virginity, I lost my mind. That same weekend, I met another soldier.  I went back and forth. It was Amy Friday night and then Saturday night with Kara and then Amy again Sunday. After that I finished school and went straight to Bosnia for a year and there was no one to meet. There were like three women on Base and in Bosnia they had rules like no alcohol allowed on base, no sex on base. It was difficult to police, but it was prohibited. It just wasn’t available to me. Then I was stationed in Germany and I went back to what I experienced in high school which was rejection. 

I was 29 when I got married and 39 when we got divorced. She had a lot of sexual hangups, just leftover ideas from being brought up in a more religious country—well, a different religious country—surrounded by a culture she didn’t really agree with. She grew up in Turkey, and even though she wasn’t Muslim, being raised with Islam had an impact on the way she viewed sexuality. Also, unrelated, but she was a bit of a germaphobe. She was like “You want to put your mouth where?! Do you know how many germs are in the human mouth?” She never let me go down on her. Which was disappointing for me. 

I started seeing a therapist because I was struggling at work and I told him, “I can't be having meltdowns in the office.”  And he asked me about my home life and after listening for a while he said, “Look, I can't diagnose someone without meeting the person. But read this and think about your wife while you're reading it.” And then he casually slid a pamphlet across the desk about emotionally abusive narcissists. My fifth attempt to escape the relationship, I filed for divorce. 

After my fourth escape attempt, she called me, asking me to come back and threatening suicide. I said I had two requirements. One was marriage counseling and two was that she stop bringing up having a baby. I was adamant that we would not have a baby until she was done with school. We had dogs that she wouldn’t help take care of because she was busy working full time and going to school full time. So those were my two requirements: stop asking about a baby and get marriage counseling. She agreed and I went back. And then all of sudden she’s pregnant when it was my understanding that we weren’t going to do that yet. So that was the end for me. I was like, I can’t trust my wife of ten years. We have to be done forever. We had a baby and I moved out after he was three months old. 

One of my favorite sexual memories is from about two years ago when I went down on a woman and then just went home. I went on a second date with a woman I really liked, the whole date went well. We really connected over dinner. Actually, she and I got divorced on the same day in the same courthouse. Anyway, I dropped her off at her house after the date and she let me come in to use the bathroom. I thought I was just going to use the bathroom, but as soon as I came out, she pounced on me. We started making out and I gradually worked my way down and then once she had an orgasm, I was like, “Ok my dogs are at home, I gotta go.” And she was speechless. It seemed like she’d never just had someone who wanted to give her a freebie, who didn’t want anything in return. I just really liked her. 

There was another woman whose oral game was so incredible that I had to reset my count. Like, after she gave me that blow job it was like the number of blow jobs I’ve had in my life went back to one. That’s the only one that counts. I couldn’t figure out what made it so good. As it was happening, I was like what the hell is she doing differently? How is this ten times better than any blow job I’ve ever had? I don’t know. I think it was partially that she was actually sucking instead of just holding it in her mouth. I don’t know. 

The worst sex I had involved a fire. My girlfriend at the time had a scented candle lit next to the bed and then bunched up her comforter into a ball to put behind my back to lean on while she went down on me. At one point in my peripheral vision, I see this giant burst of light next to my face. And she yells “fire!” I look to my left and see the edge of the comforter has draped over the candle and it’s now in flames. I had to turn the comforter to use the non-flaming part to smother the flaming part. Because it was in a ball and I couldn’t tell where I was grabbing I ended up getting a second degree burn across my knuckles. We were both military so we just did first aid for second degree burns and figured that urgent care would have done the same thing. But we didn’t finish having sex.