There are many reasons why a person might find it hard to say 'no'
Writer and podcaster Natalie Lue
'The Joy of Saying No' by Natalie Lue
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Natalie Lue
Natalie Lue
This is the image- and reputation-management style of people pleasing that focuses on trying to influence and control other people’s feelings and behaviour by performing at being a good person .
1. Gooding
Your style is Gooding if...
• The primary driver is about being positively perceived at all costs.
• You don’t say ‘no’ because of how you think it will make you look, or you think it will hurt, inconvenience, or embarrass people.
• You have trouble accepting someone doesn’t like you.
• You’ll do something you shouldn’t or don’t want to to make the other person feel good.
• When life doesn’t go your way, you respond by wondering why it happened to a good person like you.
• You tell people what you think they want to hear, and sometimes what you want them to hear.
• You will follow rules and comply, even when it doesn’t feel right.
• On some level, you think that you should or will get what you need, want, and expect if you’ve been or are a good person.
The Quick Shift
• When you find yourself in tricky situations, it’s because you’ve aligned with the identity of Gooding, not with who you are. Are you doing this because it’s who you are or because you’re trying to make people think of you in a particular way?
• Ask yourself: What consequences am I opening myself up to dealing with to avoid saying ‘no’ so that I look good?
• Notice where you ruminate about someone not recognising your goodness and how that influences your actions.
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2. Efforting
Efforting is people pleasing that uses effort, achieving, and perfectionism to create self-worth and earn acceptance.
Your style is Efforting if...
• You focus primarily on using effort to be the best or to be seen trying hard to please others, and earn the right to get what you want.
• You don’t say ‘no’ because you don’t want to be perceived as giving less than 100pc or are afraid of missing out.
• You have trouble accepting that no matter how much effort you put in, things might not work out the way you want.
• You feel invested and will continue with someone or something once you’re aware of competitors, even though it’s painful.
• When you don’t receive validation, you try to change the outcome by throwing more effort at it.
• You tell people what you think they want to hear because you’re anxious about looking less than perfect.
• You push yourself to meet unrealistic expectations no matter the cost.
• You believe effort determines whether other people will meet your needs, wants, and expectations.
The Quick Shift
• Dial things down by trying to identify what you think doing something at 70pc would look like. Your idea of 100pc is more like 150pc.
• Ask yourself: Am I in a situation that genuinely warrants my level of effort, or am I trying to control something?
• Make it an automatic ‘let me get back to you’. You need to make a concerted effort to check your schedule, bandwidth, desire, and necessity to do something.
There are many reasons why a person might find it hard to say 'no'
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There are many reasons why a person might find it hard to say 'no'
3. Avoiding
This style of people pleasing uses evading, hiding, and blending as a means of meeting needs.
Your style is Avoiding if. . .
• The primary driver is minimising or avoiding conflict, criticism, and making others uncomfortable.
• You don’t say ‘no’ because you are trying to avoid all negative consequences.
• When life doesn’t go your way, you try to act as if you’re not bothered or it didn’t happen, or you cut people off.
• You tell people what you think they want to hear because you have little or no idea how you really feel or think.
• You play it small as a strategy to fit with other people’s expectations of you so that you don’t upset or alienate.
• You believe not talking about anything that makes others uncomfortable, keeping the peace, and sweeping boundary issues under the carpet is a good thing.
The Quick Shift
• Gently test out your comfort zone. Imagine how you feel about doing something on a scale of 0 to 10. Don’t try and do what you think is a 10, as it will likely trigger deep anxiety.
• Ask yourself: Am I doing this because I have actively chosen to, or because I’m trying to avoid conflict?
• Be careful of where you overthink, try to anticipate the future, or try to work out everything in your mind before taking a step.
4. Saving
This is where the person tries to be the solution to other people’s problems by taking on their responsibilities, and ‘giving’ through fixing, helping, and rescuing in order to feel needed. It’s the ‘at your service’ style of people pleasing.
Your style is Saving if. . .
• Your primary means of feeling good and pleasing others is being needed and involved in other people’s problems.
• You don’t say ‘no’ because you’re over-responsible; you think it will hurt the other party; you don’t want to look like a ‘bad person’; or you’re afraid of being made redundant.
• When life doesn’t go your way, you respond by thinking about all the sacrifices you’ve made, and feeling not good enough.
• You tell people what you think they want to hear because you want to think it will help them or because it makes you feel good about yourself.
• You have a strong sense of feeling obligated and guilty, so you feel as if it’s your duty to fulfill someone’s needs or wants.
• You believe being a good person who helps means that people should appreciate you and not abandon you.
The Quick Shift
• Trying to be the solution to someone else’s problem makes you over-responsible for them while being under-responsible for yourself. You need to be boundaried and take your own agenda out of it, otherwise, you’re not really giving.
• Check in with the reasoning for your style of helping and rescuing.
• If you can help or be involved only if it’s on your terms or if you get something in return, pause. When feeling comfortable in this relationship relies on your sticking to a certain role, this is a sign that you are in a pattern, not really helping and giving in the fullest sense.
5. Suffering
Suffering uses self-dislike and putting one’s self in a position of hardship to be ‘good’, to influence and control other people’s feelings and behaviour.
Your style is Suffering if . . .
• Your primary means of trying to please others and get them to meet your needs is trying to prove how good and deserving you are by being in pain and need.
• You don’t say ‘no’ because you think you have no choice.
• When life doesn’t go your way, you think about everything you’ve let slide, the chances you’ve given people to stop doing the things that hurt you, how it’s your fault and you’re never good enough.
• You tell people what you think they want to hear because you hope they will feel obliged to meet your needs.
• You have a strong sense of feeling obligated and guilty, so you feel as if it’s your duty to suffer to make someone else feel good about themselves.
• You believe suffering is a sign of how good you are and that eventually it’s going to pay off.
The Quick Shift
• What if you’re not the best or worst person and, instead, you are human? There are far better ways to feel good about yourself than trying to be superior by holding the Olympic gold medal for goodness achieved by suffering. This doesn’t mean you haven’t been through things, but these don’t make you the ‘best’ or the ‘worst’; they make you human.
• Ask yourself: Who am I without these problems? If we derive identity, worthiness, and purposefulness from the role, that’s the agenda behind our problems.
• Consider what it is that you always notice and value in people or what it is that tends to frustrate you in your relationships. This is telling you about what you need.
