Ranking every NFL player's performance on Saturday Night Live

Despite his incredible personality and naturally funny charm, Sanders has gone down in infamy as one of the worst SNL hosts of all-time. The only times that Sanders’ skits get brought up are when people try to recall their least favorite sketches of all-time.

Revisiting this episode was a slog. Trying to figure out which of Sanders’ skits was best was a fool’s errand, like looking at twenty different shades of white and trying to determine which one is ecru without any indicators. If I had to pick one, the “Hot Dog for Jason” sketch where Sanders promises to do an excessive celebration for an ailing child before the NFC Championship Game. However, that sketch is carried by Chris Farley, who plays the sick child. Sanders is sort of just there for the entire video.

Former Detroit Lions’ defensive tackle Alex Karras was long retired by the time he got to host SNL.

After years of proving his acting chops in films like MASH and Blazing Saddles, Karras was honored as the fourth-ever athlete to host — Fran Tarkenton, OJ Simpson, and Bill Russell.

Although missing the mark on most of his sketches, Karras did provide some hearty laughs throughout his show, most notably as he rapped alongside Jim Belushi as part of the group “A Couple of White Guys.”

That sketch perfectly emulated what people who didn’t understand rap at the time (AKA white people) thought rap was. Still, outside of that gold mine, Karras’ episode was pretty forgettable.

The most recent athlete-host, JJ Watt had the opportunity to host right before COVID struck. That’s probably a big reason why so many people fail to remember any of his skits. They were overshadowed by a national pandemic. That’s just tough timing.

Most of Watt’s performances were unmemorable. His monologue was basic, dull, and its only memorable moment was when he compared NFL kickers to women, saying that after giving birth to three NFL players, his mom wanted “to try for a kicker. You know, someone she could dress up and buy cute clothes for.” Obviously, it’s a little tone-deaf now.

Although it is very apparent that Watt is having fun in every sketch he appears in, he just wasn’t given the best content to work with. He’s arguably the best part of his skits. His repetitive deliveries of “Tell me about yourself” and “I love that” are what made the “Pilot Hunk” skit work. That said, most of his sketches, particularly “Madden 21" (pictured) in my opinion go on for far too long after they’d already overstayed their welcome.

Oh, boy. I probably could’ve put OJ Simpson in last place and given zero explanation, but here I am, saying he was just slightly worse than average. Prior to his infamous drive in a Ford Bronco, Simpson was a well-respected football player with a solid acting resume to boot. Of course, Simpson’s time as part of the Naked Gun trilogy came after his appearance on SNL. However, Simpson had already starred as Jernigan in 1974's The Towering Inferno at this point.

Although it’s difficult to find video of Simpson’s episode given how often he was mocked and impersonated after his trial, tales of Simpson’s sketches are mostly positive. Sports Illustrated mentioned several highlights when recalling the episode, including Simpson using voodoo magic to stop Walter Payton from breaking his rushing record and delivering his monologue in full Conehead attire.

Obviously, Simpson’s appearance on SNL will always be tainted by what he became, but if we’re looking at the episode from an objective standpoint, it wasn’t too bad. Simpson’s acting chops likely played a big role in how well his episode was received — 6.7 out of 10 on IMDb. I’m still going to knock it down a few pegs though.

The first-ever athlete-host, Tarkenton seems an odd choice, even if he was a perennial Pro Bowler coming off a Super Bowl loss. He wasn’t exactly a national superstar, was two years removed from winning league MVP, and six years removed from being the quarterback of the New York Giants. Still, Tarkenton didn’t flop as host. Obviously, it was expected that he wouldn’t have the acting chops that the cast members and previous hosts did, but that disadvantage was minimized as Tarkenton was only asked to play himself in nearly every sketch he appeared in.

There were also a few sketches where Tarkenton wasn’t even really involved. The “Team Saturday Night” sketch starring John Belushi gave Tarkenton only five or so seconds of screen time. He had zero lines and was absent for the entirety of the actual skit, only showing his face at the very end when Belushi tells Tarkenton to “get in there.”

Furthermore, some of Tarkenton’s skits don’t hold up nowadays. In a skit mimicking a talk show hosted by Garrett Morris, Tarkenton jokes that black quarterbacks cannot succeed in the NFL. Tarkenton states, “every Black guy I know has trouble with area codes, let alone numbers and plays.” He continues, “Even the Black kids at my summer camp don’t have it. Sure, they can dance in the endzone. They have extra bones in their feet, but when it comes to leadership...y’know, one Black quarterback engineers a drive that starts at his own 40-yard line will end up in the parking lot at a bucket of chicken.” That’s just the beginning of the sketch too.

Obviously, Tarkenton wasn’t being serious. As the sketch points out, Tarkenton had been the chairman of the NFL’s committee on race relations since 1971, but the sketch was definitely a hard watch. All in all though, Tarkenton was a fairly mediocre athlete-host.

It should be no surprise that Joe Cool looked natural in front of a camera, Montana’s opening monologue has gone down as a classic, and although his repeated jokes about a concussion he suffered recently are considered taboo nowadays, Montana handles the subject surprisingly well.

Although Walter Payton didn’t participate in the monologue as most hosts do, he was still credited as a host for this episode. Payton makes numerous appearances after Montana took over the monologue, and the two bounce off of each other pretty well. “Church Chat” (pictured) was objectively a very solid sketch, and that’s tough for one athlete to pull off, let alone two.

After Peyton swept audiences off their feet hosting SNL five years prior (spoiler, sorry), Eli Manning faced tremendous pressure to live up to his brother — as if he wasn’t under that pressure already — and he didn’t disappoint. Eli shined as a revenge expert during the “Little Brothers” sketch and even made Jason Sudeikis break character during the “Motion Capture” skit.

The Manning family has always been one of the goofier NFL families, and the fun-loving side of Eli Manning is put on full display with every skit he appears in. Still...he’s no Peyton.

At least Brady beat Eli on this list.

Despite hosting SNL only five years into his NFL career, Brady had already accrued multiple Super Bowl titles. Although not known for his incredible sense of humor, Brady has been known to goof off with his teammates every now and again — something Bill Belichick likely frowned upon while Brady was in New England.

As host, Brady really gave a great effort to go above and beyond what was expected of an athlete, and the results speak for themselves. Brady’s performance was well-received. As is the case with most of these appearances though, their best moment is somewhat smeared by the message such a sketch would send today.

“Sexual Harassment and You” was arguably Brady’s best sketch. People loved it. Its message? “It’s only sexual harassment if you’re ugly. Brady even grabs Amy Poehler’s boob in the sketch. It definitely wouldn’t fly today. Aside from that though, Brady gave an all-time performance, whether he was defending his hosting gig to Donovan McNabb and Peyton Manning or trying to win a carnival game that no one else has trouble with, Brady has fun in every sketch he’s in, and that giddiness transfers to the audience as we watch.

This episode was iconic. Where I needed to search up skits for Brady and Eli to jog my memory, Manning’s sketches are so iconic, I didn’t need to look anything up. To this day, during interviews, Manning will still occasionally be asked questions about his time hosting SNL. He was so good that some people wanted him to become a permanent cast member.

I don’t have to tell you how timeless the “United Way” sketch (pictured) is. I didn’t even want to link the video because I’m positive every single person who reads this column will know exactly what video I’m talking about, but my boss is very demanding and even more mean-spirited than Manning was to those children.

Travis Kelce may not have the storytelling prowess or acting chops of Manning, but he’s certainly got the enthusiasm to match any athlete’s performance. I just hope he isn’t forced to play himself in every single sketch as so many of these athletes are. I want to see some range. Kelce’s been on TV before. He had his own show for goodness sake, so let him cook!

Travis Kelce is a natural.

The Kansas City Chiefs TE appeared in nine sketches in total, which garnered plenty of laughs. His brother Jason, who was in the audience with their parents, also appeared in two sketches.

Our friends at the AV Club called it one of the season’s best episodes.

“[Kelce] proved himself as one of the season’s most agile hosts,” Trae DeLellis wrote.