As exclusively revealed by The Telegraph, Roald Dahl’s books for children have been given a politically correct makeover. To avoid causing offence to modern readers, editors have rewritten any passages that could potentially be interpreted as sexist, ageist, fatphobic, or cruel about someone’s physical appearance.

The question now is: which beloved children’s book will be rewritten next? And how?

Noddy Goes to Toyland

It was a beautiful day, and Noddy had gone to visit his best friend: a bearded gnome who lived in a toadstool house.

“Hello, Big Ears!” said Noddy.

“How dare you call me that,” gasped the gnome. “There is nothing wrong with the size of my ears, and it’s extremely hurtful of you to draw attention to them in this cruel and insensitive manner. What a horrid little bully.”

“How dare you call me ‘little’,” gasped Noddy. “It’s extremely hurtful of you to draw attention to my height in this cruel and insensitive manner. What a nasty old man.”

“How dare you call me ‘old’,” gasped the gnome. “That’s blatant ageism. Right, that’s it. I’m never speaking to you again.”

The Very Hungry Caterpillar

On Saturday, the caterpillar ate through one piece of chocolate cake, one ice-cream cone, one pickle, one slice of Swiss cheese, one slice of salami, one lollipop, one piece of cherry pie, one sausage, one cupcake, and one slice of watermelon.

That night he felt sick. And all because of the hateful body-shaming that remains rife in our shockingly fatphobic culture.

The next day, thankfully, he realised that he was actually a perfectly normal and healthy size for a caterpillar, and found the strength and courage to resist the pressure we cruelly place on caterpillars to transform themselves into beautiful butterflies. Because, he had realised, he was already beautiful, just the way he was.

Mr Tickle

That day Mr Tickle tickled everybody.

He tickled the policeman.

He tickled the greengrocer.

He tickled the doctor.

He tickled the butcher.

He even tickled old Mr Stamp the postman.

And that is why, after years of touching people inappropriately without their consent in a flagrant violation of their personal boundaries, Mr Tickle has quite rightly been cancelled.

The Gruffalo

“Where are you going to, little brown mouse?

Come and have lunch in my underground house.”

“It’s terribly kind of you, Fox, but no –

I’m going to have lunch with a gruffalo.”

“A gruffalo? What’s a gruffalo?”

“A gruffalo! Why, didn’t you know?

He has terrible tusks, and terrible claws,

And terrible teeth in his terrible jaws…”

“Hey!” cried the Gruffalo. “That’s not nice!

I’ve never said anything mean about mice!

What’s wrong with my tusks, I’d like to know?

Or my teeth, or my jaws? This is really low.

It hurts me when animals see me and scream.

No wonder we monsters have low self-esteem.

You shouldn’t judge somebody based on their looks.

I’m glad they’re rewriting these horrible books.”

Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone

“There’s somethin’ you need to understand, Harry,” said Hagrid, gravely. “Dark forces are on the rise. They will stop at nothin’ to achieve their wicked aims. And they are led by the most terrifyin’, cold-hearted and downright evil villain that ever walked the earth.”

“Voldemort?” asked Harry.

“Far worse than that,” said Hagrid. “It’s JK Rowlin’.”

Aromantic holiday

According to Stonewall, the LGBTQA+ campaign group, it’s “Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week”. A whole week set aside to celebrate people who identify as “aromantic”.

In case you’re unfamiliar with this term, Stonewall says it means “people who don’t typically experience a desire to have romantic contact or interaction with an individual”. It adds, however, that others on the aromantic spectrum “may feel attraction occasionally, or varying levels at different times”.

This description is certainly very inclusive – because it would appear to include everyone on earth. Unless, that is, there are people who are attracted to all other people at all times.

If so, I hope there will be a week set aside for those people to celebrate, too. I would imagine that they throw extremely memorable parties.