I always love the motivational speakers who say things like, “If I give you Rs 1 lakh today, how would it change your life?”
Well, for one, I would no longer be motivated to listen to motivational speakers. I might even ask the motivational speaker: “If I give you Rs 1 lakh today, would you at least quit motivational speaking?” But an even better question to ask would be: “Where should you invest Rs 1 lakh today?”
I would start by telling you to stay away from equities because the Indian stock market is more over-valued than the guests on Koffee with Karan. Frankly I think an investment in the gift hamper at the end of the show would be a more sound investment as you would be making a defensive play on FMCG products.
I would tell you to stay away from the debt markets as well because the way inflation is rising, you might see the value of your debt investments fall. For the uninitiated, whenever the interest rates rise, the value of your debt investment falls. They are as inversely co-related as the career trajectories of Amitabh and Abhishek Bachhan.
I would ask you to not invest in the Indian rupee because our learned Furnace minister has been stoking the delusionary fires with statements like “The rupee is not falling, it is my cholesterol that is rising”. I would ask you instead to stock up on the US dollar because “The Federal Reserve’s resolve is not falling and neither are the bombs on Ukraine”.
I would also tell you to stay away from crypto till Bitcoin falls lower than the current popularity ratings of Joe Biden. At that level, even an NFT of Kamala Harris saying “We did it Joe” would be a multi-bagger. On the other hand, an NFT of Putin on a nuclear war head might be what the markets would call a “risk-on” asset…especially if his hand is on the red button.
Now that brings us to the Queen of England. And by that I mean the lettuce which lasted longer than Liz Truss. Now those are the kind of “risk-off” investments you could make with your eyes closed. Which is exactly how Liz and Kwarteng signed off on their disastrous budget proposal. The pound has risen in anticipation of Rishi Sunak (who is not a cousin of Simon Sinek) or quite frankly even a lettuce becoming the next PM of Britain. So, I would suggest taking a long position in the pound and hedging it with a corresponding commodity investment in Lettuce Futures.
Many new assorted variants of Covid have made their way to the Indian shores. The BA.2.75 and BJ.1 varieties of Omicron combined to form XBB, we also have BA .5.1.7 and BF 7 from China. Since we don’t know which variant will ultimately top the charts, may I suggest you invest in a diversified portfolio of different Covid variants to mitigate the risk of FOMO and also hedge your position by injecting yourself with every possible vaccine. Even the one recommended by Whatsup University.
Or you can do the right thing by giving the Rs 1 lakh to Funnycontrol to invest on your behalf. Because even if I lose all your money, at least you are assured of laughter, the only investment that appreciates in the long run.