In the early dawn, a spider's cobwebs looks like an immense chandelier as the dewdrops are fired by the sunlight, or appear as ropes of pearls. (Photo: Ranjit Lal) She is so, so utterly humongous — and hairy! So yogic, in the middle of that magnificent edifice that she has built: in the early dawn, it looks like an immense chandelier as the dewdrops are fired by the sunlight, or appear as ropes of pearls. She has everything. What can I give her? True Amazon delivered the size XXX cockroach I had ordered, and I’ve gift-wrapped it in silk. But will it be enough? It looked magnificent, like it was made of polished mahogany; or dates from the richest Arabian oasis. But what if she prefers oak or hates dates? There are no oak trees here. And I can also see that her larder is pretty well-stocked with packaged fast-food. Wickedly, I must confess I have helped myself to a small snack — a cricket — without asking her and hope she won’t mind… Should I confess? Will she kill me if I do, or kill me if I don’t?
Girls! Speaking of which, there is a little girl sitting right down below me. I believe they call her Miss, or rather Ms, Muffet (you can’t be politically incorrect these days) and she’s sitting on a tuffet (whatever that is), eating her curds and whey. Why? Really, she ought to try a chocolate-chip sundae sometime. Should I parasail down to the back of her neck and scare her away? That might impress my gorgeous giantess. But the little girl might spill her curds and whey all over me and you can’t arrive for a first date with that all over you. I might even be drowned; the first spider dude to be martyred by curds and whey! Now that would be something. Should I? Shouldn’t I? Decisions, decisions!
Sometimes, I wish I had been born a bird–eating spider, stalking around the jungle, stabbing little chicks and sucking delicious eggs. An egg, now that would be a proper gift for such a great lady: A baby lark, even better.
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“Sometimes, I wish I had been born a bird-eating spider, stalking around the jungle, stabbing little chicks and sucking delicious eggs.” (Photo: Ranjit Lal) Ah, I see several other ruffians have also arrived, seeking her favours; puny little wimps. I’d better make my move now. Oh, this roach is really heavy… Ah she has sensed my first steps and stiffened. Those lovely beady little eyes — all eight of them are shining. But she looks a bit tense. Maybe, I should twang a soft melody on her web to clam (sic) her down. Put her more in the mood for a bit of canoodling. Maybe strum the Blue Danube, even though I’ve never heard it being played on the harp. Wish I could straddle like the cicadas and crickets do. Anyway, here goes.
Yes, yes, yes! It seems to be working. Her hairs are no longer fizzing. Her eyes have that glazed woozy look of a girl in love — smitten. I think she loves me! Here I come, my love! Am I a Casanova or Don Juan or Heathcliff or Romeo or what! Take that you scoundrels! I’m on my way!
That little twerp has been ogling at me from the edge of my web like forever. He wouldn’t even make a halfway-decent snack. But Dr Arachnid has said I need to watch my weight. And why the hell has the idiot not scared away that silly little girl down below screeching in that falsetto? She is irritating the heck out of me and she’s eating something that looks completely disgusting. Now, if she were chomping down a lizard — that would be something. Ah, at last, he’s decided to come over. I’m trembling, all aquiver. But what’s that he’s plucking on my web-strings? Surely not the Blue Danube? What a melody; makes me want to clamp the little bugger to my bosom and waltz him around the web. And look — he’s bringing a gift too! Sweetheart, you really shouldn’t have! Come closer, now come closer. Mmm…
I can’t believe it. I did it. She was in such a trance I could do anything with her. No, don’t get me wrong — this is not what you think. She loved the music: And the gift. She spent so much time unboxing it — I made a YouTube video that went viral — and, please to “like”. I did what I had to do and then, like a gentleman, withdrew. Hmm… but she did murmur something about that little girl down below giving her a migraine. Maybe I should do something about that!
Bloody hell! The little twerp! He had his way with me as I was unboxing that hideous cockroach and had come under the influence of the Blue Danube! Guys I tell you! Ah, but don’t worry big mama, he’ll be back for sure…
I did it! I parasailed down on to the back of Ms Muffet’s neck and landed on the top of her ear (the breeze is a bit erratic this morning), and the effect was spectacular. She leapt up with a scream, sending her curds and whey flying and ran off as fast as she could. While I scuttled back up my safety line, just in case. And now I’m going back for a second date. Now she’ll be mine, forever!
Ah, so here he comes! I’ve got my industrial-strength earplugs on. Come to mama, little daddy! Let me give you a little kiss…
Wow! She’s real feisty this time, moves like greased lightning. What’s that she’s murmuring about daddy providing good protein for mama’s babies? And talk about love bites — hey babe, that hurt! Oh God, she’s liquefying me alive! Don’t girls always?
Ah, but then,“It’s a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it’s a far better rest that I go to than I have ever known…”