How to get Kohli back in form

BENGALURU: In my 30s, I am not as emotionally attached to cricket matches. In my teens and 20s, I felt entitled to a good performance. When India lost, I stayed in a bad mood for days. It didn’t help that the Indian cricket team of yore wasn’t the best in the world. An entire generation of Indians have strong hearts, thanks to the mini-heart attacks that the Indian team gave us. They would be cruising to victory, and just when you’re about to bring out the Rasna, they’d crash, burn, and collapse. A younger, agitated me would often wonder ‘Why aren’t the cricketers diving in the field? Why aren’t they taking that second run?’ In my 30s, I know why. It’s because the knees get wobbly.

The body begins to have a mind of its own. I am too lethargic to buy a loaf of bread. Who am I to judge these great men? In that context, I am not too heartbroken about Kohli’s lack of form. I understand that form is a fickle bedfellow, coming and going as it pleases. Initially, one could blame it on Covid. For the last two years, whenever I was asked why I wasn’t writing any new jokes, or working on my novel, I’d simply say ‘Covid’ – and get sympathetic nods.

But Kohli’s form is now getting worrying. It’s been three years, and nobody knows more about patience than RCB fans. For more than a decade, RCB fans have watched as Kohli smashed every record in the book. They watched as he made hitting centuries seem like a walk in Cubbon Park. They’ve watched Kohli’s team steamroll its way to the final, only to have the opposition become Agnipath protestors by halting him in his tracks. RCB fans have watched the three greatest T20 batsmen of all time – Gayle, Kohli, and ABD – at the peak of their forms, unable to win a single tournament. Nobody has patience like the good folks of Bengaluru.

In any other city, traffic jams like this would cause a riot. But Bengalureans can be found cruising along at 7 km/hr, calmly listening to Love Guru on the radio dishing out asinine tips. But things have reached a head now. We need to get our man back in form, and here are some ingenious ideas. Not all the suggestions are 100 per cent logical, but when have issues like form and luck followed the laws of logic? It is known that farmers have in the past gotten frogs married to bring on the rains. Since Kohli is the GOAT, how about we get a couple of goats married? Wait, scratch that - he’s a vegetarian. Maybe we can get two broccolis married. Or conduct a yagna at Chinnaswamy Stadium with copious amounts of ghee added. And while at it, give some ghee to Chahal.

The guy looks like a UNICEF photo of an Indian kid. We should get Aamir Khan to sing ‘Oo paalan haare’ to inspire Virat. Or Shah Rukh Khan to deliver his ‘70-minute speech’. Get Yo Yo Honey Singh to take the Yo-Yo test. Do whatever it takes. I’ll watch every Anushka Sharma movie. Even Zero – the only movie whose title reflects the number of stars critics gave it. I’ll never use swear words like Ben Stokes and Masceranhas again. I promise to buy every product you sell, even if the name is spelt ‘wrogn’. I’ll drink every energy drink you sell. Even find myself a partner so I can wear Manyavar wedding suits while doing the Digit dance. But please, for the love of god, science and everything beautiful in the world – just get your 71st century! (The writer’s views are his own)