The Funniest Tweets From Women This Week (July 9-15)

If you're cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.

— mariana Z🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦 (@mariana057) July 9, 2022

“Primary care physician?” You mean my 24 year old friend in med school who I text my symptoms to against their will?

— annie! (@squitwordd) July 10, 2022

I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person

— Mabel Lewis (@edwardsnowden43) July 12, 2022

If anyone needs to reach me I’ll be at my summer home. Which also happens to be my spring, fall and winter home

— eLeni (@eleniZarro) July 11, 2022

Sorry I can't hang out I have to itch the mosquito bite on my ankle until I reach bone

— IcyHot Patch (@Icy_hotpatch) July 11, 2022

the new yeezys look like a Great British Baking Show challenge gone terribly wrong, like lemon tarts that were meant to look like sneakers suddenly collapsed in the middle and they just brought this to the judging table and cried pic.twitter.com/ZQBlvB6QyR

— @PiaGlenn (@PiaGlenn) July 11, 2022

plane intercom: “is there a doctor on board??”

me rising out of my seat: “and are they single??”

— Anne Sundell (@anne_sundell) July 10, 2022

My husband and i promised to never go to sleep angry. We’ve been awake since Thursday.

— jalene (@jjalenev) July 10, 2022

Love to visit my parents, have a nice family dinner, relax together, and then have a detailed and intense session of end of life financial planning and document locations.

— Alison Leiby (@AlisonLeiby) July 11, 2022

microdosing motherhood by having male roommates

— yamini (@showmetheyamz) July 11, 2022

people are anxious & rude, there’s a lot of coughing, and sandwiches cost $15. we are living in airport times.

— Morgan Murphy (@morgan_murphy) July 12, 2022

It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.

— Dzintra - Author (@DzintraSullivan) July 13, 2022

i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?

— 🧘🏾‍♀️ (@oraliea_) July 11, 2022

This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now pic.twitter.com/WFwrIwmVRc

— merritt k (@merrittk) July 9, 2022

“Password cannot be same as last password” okay but why not? It’s clearly very hard to guess, I couldn’t crack it and Im the one who made it

— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) July 11, 2022

accidentally used my husbands body wash and now i don’t move out of the way when someone’s walking toward me

— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) July 10, 2022

A can’t of coke ☹️ pic.twitter.com/l62lGaXdwr

— Charlotte (@RoylePin) July 11, 2022

my high school friends getting married? sure, fine, makes sense. my college friends getting married?? bestie I saw you piss yourself while dancing on a bar once I can’t imagine u with a joint checking account

— ellie schnitt (@holy_schnitt) July 11, 2022

are minions lemon or banana flavored?

— taylor garron (@taylorgarron) July 11, 2022

So in awe of the gravitational lensing! Never expected to see such clarity and color pic.twitter.com/S7o8rceqQR

— Julia Kardon (@jlkardon) July 11, 2022

flights should be cheaper if you’re going somewhere worse than where you live

— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) July 12, 2022

“You have a doctorate” I whisper to myself as I struggle to avoid another curb in this drive-thru

— reb (@rebmasel) July 11, 2022

Once again thinking about how deeply fucked up the custody agreement in The Parent Trap is. They were just like “we each get one baby, then we’ll never see our other child for LIFE. But it’s ok bc they look the same”

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) July 9, 2022

She's a 10 but in Celsius. You have no idea what that means.

— anna says donate to abortion funds (@GrahSeeYa) July 13, 2022

Nachos are so lovely you get to dig around…make choices..learn about yourself and others

— helena (@freshhel) July 15, 2022

All-nighter? I can barely pull an all-dayer.

— Ariel Dumas (@ArielDumas) July 10, 2022