Today millions of fans around the world will raise a toast to Star Wars. Irish enthusiasts will gather in Portmagee for the first May The 4th Be With You Festival to take place in person since before the pandemic.

Balance has been restored to the Force, or so it seems.

Suddenly I was hit by a grim realisation. My son Dylan is growing up at lightspeed without having seen the films. I had failed my son, almost as utterly as Darth Vader failed Luke.

A plan was hatched more cunning than any X-wing assault on the meridian trench of the Death Star. We would watch the entire series over one weekend. It’d take us only ... oh... 25 hours and seven minutes.

Mission accomplished, here’s our guide to the best (and worst) of the saga:

FRIDAY 6pm – Star Wars: A New Hope

No, we didn’t start with the prequels. Don’t be crazy.

I get home from work just in time to see someone get their arm chopped off at the Mos Eisley Cantina, shortly before Han Solo shoots Greedo dead.

“This is why pubs are dangerous,” says my seven-year-old daughter sagely.

“I thought this was a kids’ film,” says Dylan. “Was it OK to chop people’s arms off in the 1980s?”

“It’s the Seventies, son, it was a different time,” I reply.

The film is starting to show its age. The exploding planet resembles nothing more than a cheap indoor firework. But it’s still a classic. The Force remains strong with this one.

Family Force rating: 8/10

8.30pm – The Empire Strikes Back

Within the first 10 minutes a yeti-thing has been violently dismembered, while a llama-thing has its intestines cut out. Later, Luke gets his hand sliced off. Eek.

There’s also a mini riot from the kids when ‘Baby Yoda’ makes an appearance (conveniently ignoring the fact that he’s positively ancient in this movie). He’s still “just a cute little goblin!”.

Despite Star Wars’ reliance on binary Darkside/Lightside allegiances, this film still manages to pose serious questions of morality.

Of course, there’s also the big daddy of all reveals about the Skywalker family.

My kids pose important questions too: Why can Chewbacca understand English but he can’t speak it? Is R2D2 a boy or a girl? Can you change your lightsaber colour to match your outfit?

Family Force rating: 8/10

SATURDAY 9am – Return of the Jedi

Kick off your Saturday with a BANG! No need for coffee, the opening minutes of this film are so explosive (“He’s holding a thermal detonator…!”) that I feel a bit sad when Jabba the Hutt is lying dead in a pool of his own face-slime.

No trouble holding the kids’ attention for this one. My daughter loves the Ewoks and now it’s Darth Vader’s turn to get his hand chopped off.

Family Force Rating: 9/10

 

1pm – The Phantom Menace

Often decried as the worst Star Wars film. Surely the kids will enjoy Jar-Jar Binks, though? Or perhaps not.

“Daaaad – this is a bit annoying. Where is Darth Vader?” comes the call. Er, we will reconnect with him in about five hours’ time. In the meantime, meet this cute kid Anakin. “He’s a bit annoying too.” My children wander off and start ransacking the cupboards for chocolate.

The pod race is OK, but even this feels like watching someone else play Mario Kart.

Family Force Rating: 5/10

4pm – Attack of the Clones

The nadir of the Star Wars saga. Dylan veers between sneaking YouTube videos on his tablet and kicking a football in the garden.

“But I AM watching it!” he says, clearly lying. But in reality, nobody is truly watching this film.

With its scenes focused on politicking and trade dispute, it’s like a particularly dull session of Oireachtas TV.

I retreat to the kitchen where I pretend to make dinner by banging pots and pans, really just drowning out the tinny noise of yet another lightsaber battle.

With the kids threatening a revolt (which by the sounds of it would put the Rebel Alliance in its place), I am forced to order a McDonald’s to get us through this one.

Family Force Rating: 4/10

7pm – Revenge of the Sith

“This one is a bit better, and you get to see Darth Vader again… sorta,” I wink as the credits roll. And while I haven’t watched it for over a decade, I do have some fond memories of this episode.

But we feel a bit jaded as the scenes flow past us, like the improbable endgame fight over a river of molten lava.

As night falls, we’re all glad to get past the halfway mark of our marathon.

Family Force Rating: 6/10

SUNDAY

10am – The Force Awakens

Whatever about the Force, it’s a bit of a struggle getting my son awake and out of bed for yet more Star Wars.

The smear of blood across a Storm Trooper helmet sets the tone early. “This is better already…,” says Dylan.

And indeed, like a damaged droid, Star Wars finally screws its head back on and reboots.

We are back amongst a bunch of scrappy chancers on the fringes of galactic society. Which is where the best stories are always found.

Family Force Rating: 8/10

1pm – The Last Jedi

I’d only seen it once before in the cinema, but I had high hopes it would carry us through the Sunday afternoon slump. It doesn’t.

We can’t help but think that we’ve seen these scenes, and heard this story before, except it was better the first time.

Attention veers to "more important” real life matters like us running out of bananas. Any excuse for a trip to the shops. When we sit down again for the final hour, all momentum is lost. If there was any in the first place.

Family Force Rating: 6/10

8pm – Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

Yoda be praised, we needed this one like an injection of Coaxium into the hyperdrive.

If I were to attempt this marathon again, I’d jettison the three lengthy prequels and just watch this one instead. It captures the fear, sacrifice and desperation of conflict against a more powerful foe.

A solid war movie that just happens to be set in space. And in his brief, final appearance on our screens, Darth Vader is genuinely terrifying again.

Family Force Rating: 9/10

MONDAY 11am – The Rise of Skywalker

As we plough past the 20th hour of Star Wars, it becomes all too apparent we are retreading old ground.

“These films are supposed to be about a war across the whole galaxy, but really it’s just a big row in the Skywalker family… that got a bit out of hand,” opines Dylan. The lad has a point.

And I can’t shake the feeling that Star Wars has again vanished into the supermassive black hole of its own posterior. A feeling that may be shared by my children, who spend most of the film hitting each other with plastic lightsabers.

Family Force Rating: 7/10

7pm – Solo: A Star Wars Story

OK, so the purists will kill me... but there is more fun packed into Solo than in vast hours of the sequels and prequels we sat through.

It serves as a reminder that Star Wars is simply a spaghetti western in space. The banter is kinda funny and the plot isn’t too dense.

We’re at the finish line. The kids go to bed smiling. And to be honest, so do I.

Family Force Rating: 8/10