Feminism, that dare not speak its name

Feminism and chauvinism are not epithets much bandied about now, as they were three decades ago. In fact, very few young women now declare themselves to be feminist, though some men do, earning brownie points.

In an arranged marriage, the prospective groom is not asked if he can cook and clean. But when love reigns supreme, it should be part of the pre-nuptial agreement. Otherwise forget your high-sounding principles.

When prolonged lockdowns forced many husbands, young and old, to cook and clean, it was a triumph for feminism, but nobody phrased it in these terms. Feminism has never been easy to understand, for the missing undergarment is not as obvious as headgear — red caps, headscarves or colourful turbans.

I remember two occasions when the word was bandied about in a puzzling way. A scintillating danseuse being interviewed backstage minutes before her performance said, “If I didn’t have a daughter, what use my feminism?” There was no time for a clarification. It stuck in my head until I figured out that passing on her ideology was important for her. But why not to a son?

Another conversation in a college canteen a few years ago was equally puzzling. A young colleague had just discovered that she was pregnant and seemed quite perturbed about it. “How can I have a baby, what about my feminism?” She seemed to presume that since we both studied at JNU, decades apart, I would know what she meant. I didn’t. I asked how it impinged on motherhood, but she wasn’t paying attention, for I was just a sounding board. She did have the baby, a girl, and hopefully still carries the feminist flag high.

One thing expected of feminists is that they will teach their boys to treat girls as equals. Any illusions I might have had on this front crumbled when my son said soon after his marriage, blatantly, “Cooking is the girl’s job.” His wife succumbed, just as I had done, for perhaps the same reasons. It’s difficult to stand on principle when marital bliss is at stake. Friends to whom this family secret is revealed are right to ask, “Didn’t you teach your son anything?”

In fact, my own test of feminism came during the preparations for his wedding. As the boy’s side, we were determined not to assert our traditional ‘superior’ status by letting the girl’s side take on the heavy burden of expenditure. Most of us believe that the girl’s side should not be asked to spend so lavishly, as that’s the reason why girls are unwanted in our society. But we also couldn’t offer to go halves with the girl’s parents since we aren’t that loaded. We found ourselves yielding so much ground that relatives started asking, “Why you are being such pushovers?” Hello, it’s because we didn’t want to be seen as dictating terms. (Or a dry, tight-fisted bunch, unable to cope up with a big fat wedding.)

Early in life, I heard a woman say matter-of-factly that she had not gone home even once in 14 years, to a village just a hop and a skip away. Poverty and heavy household duties are often cited as the reason but this is also a social evil. The in-laws usually come up with that old trope, ‘This is now your home’, which endorses the theory of paraya dhan (someone else’s wealth).

Clearly, for feminism to win behind closed doors, it has to be part of the school curriculum. Harried housewives and working women cannot set a feminist agenda when the foundation is chauvinistic.

(Manjula Lal is the author of That’s News to Me and In Search of Ram Rajya)