Happy New Year from the desk of your CEO since your CEO himself is away on a golf holiday.
We are embarking on a year of immense potential: where blue skies full of opportunity and rolling greens of plenty beckon. But enough about my golf; now, back to you.
In these trying times, I urge you to try even harder. You must try to do ten people’s work, which, of course, being a physical impossibility, will ensure that you do not hit your targets, forcing us to regretfully slash your salary next year, or your name right out of our records.
Believe you me, I heartily appreciate your tireless work during this crisis, and there is nothing I’d like better than to give you a small raise. I’d like it better than a golf holiday, Tesla shares or a new car, but, of course, while I’m going to get myself these inconsequential trinkets, I can’t afford to do what tops my priority list and what would give me the greatest joy – ie. to give you a raise.
I’ve constantly reiterated that our company is one which cares deeply for its valued employees as our many posters across the office and our daily memes remind you. I am sure you will remember our expensive internal advertising campaign to push on, strive harder, work till you drop? I hope you appreciate the constant positive energy being sent out to you – (though invisible, it is very much there). Right now, as I get a relaxing foot massage, I selflessly project the healing aroma not to my tired feet, but out across the seas, to you.
It is also that much-awaited time to crown the Employee of the Year, and it goes out with a generous cash award, to our AI bot which works 24x7 to find clichés and positive phrases that worked for other companies, plagiarise and present them daily to you.
I would not be the acclaimed, respected leader that I am, if I were to let your dedicated service go unrewarded. I am aware that many of you worked yourself sick, and though we had budget cuts, which prevented us from supporting your medical bills, we are determined to compensate you. Please accept this framed photograph of myself taking a much-needed break in the Alps after my challenging golf holiday. May the snow-capped peaks behind me inspire you to take our company to the pinnacles of success. Thank you, AI bot, for that shimmering cliché. The photo is personalised for you, ‘Valued Employee’. Upon my return, it will give me great pleasure to see it propped up on your desk.
Where Jane De Suza, the author of ‘Happily Never After’, talks about the week’s quirks, quacks and hacks