Dear Agony Akka,
I am a young man from U.P. who is about to be married. My relatives are ready with shotguns for the celebrations and I am doing papaya facial twice a day. But suddenly I am getting the jitters seeing news articles and videos about belligerent U.P. brides. As you know, one bride called off the wedding when the groom could not recite the multiplication table of 2; another rejected the groom when he could not read without glasses; a third slapped her groom right after the wedding when she discovered his love affair and returned home promptly. I have consistently failed in maths since my schooldays, and I wear glasses (but for wedding I am going to wear coloured contact lenses). I have also had three love affairs (all unrequited). How will I get through the marriage rituals? I don’t want to get slapped on my papaya-enriched cheek. Please advise.
— Trembling With Terror
Dear TWIT,
You are an enterprising young man. You have not only found a bride, you have managed to successfully hide both your educational qualification and eyeglass prescription from her. If you can carry on with the same creativity, you’ll sail through this wedding and even enter politics.
The trick is to never answer any questions face to face. Tell her beforehand that you will recite the 2x table only on video chat. When the call goes through, simply read out the numbers from a carefully hidden chit. See how well prime ministers and all are doing this. Learn.
What puzzles me, though, is why you are doing papaya facial. Your mail fails to regale me with the details of your visage that might have led you to take such extreme steps. But to willingly smear fruit over your face twice a day indicates a strength of resolve. I am assuming the sight of your papaya-flush face is calculated to strike the bride-to-be with instant love so that she will forget to ask you to recite the 2x table.
But it’s a risky plan. Too much papaya might make you orange, which is okay for a traffic light, but might make the bride see red. She will again demand Maths viva. At that point, immediately change the subject to scooters. Ask her about her favourite brand and her father’s favourite brand. When you reel out numbers like the cost of a Komali XG 25 5Z and the EMI amount, your command of Maths will become clear and her father will head off to the nearest showroom. But chances are the bride will head back home from the venue.
At this point, the shotguns can come in handy. Simply fire a shot or two in the air and kidnap the bride. Our great law-giver Manu has said that one can seize a maiden by force and marry her in the rakshasa style of marriage. Recently, I saw the trailer of a Tamil serial in which the man storms into the temple, pushes away the bridegroom, applies sindoor on the bride’s head, ties the taali around her neck in true hero style, then marches off. It was a thrilling scene and no doubt will soon be emulated by many young men.
Not that the young men in our country need such inspiration. They are very manly. No pineapple facial or papaya pachadi for them. If a woman turns down a marriage proposal, they usually kill her off. But you seem to actually want a living spouse, so that may not work. You stick to the other ideas I have given.
— AA
agony.akka@gmail.com