Opinion: Mental health matters more than adolescent milestones
My daughter was a junior in high school when her therapist called me into her office. I bounced my toddler on my knee and tried to absorb what the therapist was saying.
"She's in a bad place," the therapist explained. "She’s not doing well."
I was advised to admit my teenage daughter to a psychiatric hospital for intensive care.
My daughter was a good student with a part-time job and friends in the marching band. I knew she didn’t like school, but what choice did we have? We had to get her through it. She cried each day on the drive to school. I hounded her about personal hygiene and tried to understand what was going on, but I just didn’t. I’ve never experienced depression, and because of that, I didn’t recognize when she was in mental health trouble.
Dr. John Ackerman, a child clinical psychologist and the suicide-prevention coordinator for the Center for Suicide Prevention and Research at Nationwide Children's Hospital, said, "In the U.S. among teenagers, there tends to be an increase in suicides and hospitalizations during the school year."
The correlation is there, but it doesn’t mean school is the sole contributor to this increased risk for suicidal behavior. There are a lot of factors at play, especially now. Suicidal thinking usually does not point to one specific factor or behavior. It’s complex.
"It gets even more complicated with the pandemic," said Ackerman.
Remote learning, hybrid learning and shutdowns have all impacted our academic schedules and extracurricular interests. Kids feel that they’ve missed out and parents worry their kids are not adhering to some arbitrary timetable.
Though I didn’t have a pandemic to contend with, I saw my bright, talented kid struggling and wanted the best for her. But taking a "time out" for mental health seemed like it would just add to her hardships down the road.
"We have to give grace when it comes to living up to the expectations of ourselves or others," Ackerman said. "It is OK to not accomplish everything we hoped to achieve. When you’re in survival mode, you are just trying to meet basic needs."
I failed to realize that hounding my daughter about personal hygiene was me not understanding that all of her energy went into facing the day. Once I understood it for what it was, I knew what to look for.
"When you do see a warning sign, we suggest that parents ask very directly whether a young person has had thoughts of ending their life, or if they’ve ever considered suicide," Ackerman said.
It is important to note that asking a young person this question does not put the idea into their mind.
"You’re not going to cause a mental health problem by asking a mental health question," Ackerman stressed, "and it is oftentimes a relief to the young person to hear that their parents are willing to have a tough conversation."
In many ways, young people are far more comfortable talking about mental health than the adults around them, and we need to be a resource for them.
Parents should prioritize mental health over hitting whatever adolescent benchmarks we’ve anticipated.
"For a lot of people, simply getting through the last year was a major success," Ackerman said. "Make sure you let them know you’re very proud of them for getting through it."
My daughter took advantage of online learning options to finish her high school career. She was able to test out of courses and work through her senior year with the help and support she needed. We picked up her diploma in the office and I snapped her picture with the school logo painted on the wall. She’d made it. No pomp and circumstance.
Depression and anxiety are still part of her life, and I still make mistakes, but I’m learning how to support her better. She has weathered storms I’ve never known and has taught me so much in the process.
Bonnie Jean Feldkamp is a member of the Enquirer editorial board and media director for the National Society of Newspaper Columnists. Find her on social media @WriterBonnie or email her at Bonnie@WriterBonnie.com.
