Why giving up can be a good idea sometimes

The concept of goal accomplishment has fuelled the self-help industry for decades. Personal development books want you to believe that giving up is anathema, motivational talks preach the virtues of perseverance in the face of adversities and onscreen biopics lavish their attention on those who doggedly pursue their goals when the odds are stacked against them. Against this context, it is easy to confer that pursuing a goal, even if it is exacting a heavy toll on your mental framework, is an act of valour, while giving up is the easy way out for those of lesser mettle. But if you have ever observed that pursuing a goal or habit is taking its toll on your emotional wellbeing, it is time to reconsider your commitment towards it—whether it is a failing relationship or a demanding fitness program that makes you unhappy with yourself rather than motivated. Here’s why experts believe it is healthier to disengage from goals sometimes and how to do it when it is time to call it quits.

Goal disengagement: Why it is alright to discontinue your goals

Culturally, giving up may not be rewarded, but it can be an effective tool for saving yourself from mental distress, believes Aanchal Narang, a Mumbai-based psychologist. Further cues on the same can be found in the concept of goal disengagement or the ability to know when to stop putting in effort towards a predetermined goal. Look around your friend circle and you’ll likely find more than a few friends who switched gears from a technical field, such as engineering or medicine, to pursue their lifelong dream to become a designer, musician or a chef.

Narang explains, “It is interesting to note that some people are more likely to practice goal disengagement as compared to others, and this stems to self-awareness coupled with a good support system. A strong sense of self, helps you understand what you want to accomplish and a strong socio-economic support system can help you make the switch. On the other hand, those with unresolved trauma and low self-esteem might not have the ability or the option to disengage. As a society that rewards people-pleasing behavioural patterns, goal disengagement becomes harder and is often looked at as rebellion.”

The notion is seconded by Shannon Moyer-Szemenyei, an Ontario-based holistic counsellor, who believes that this heightened focus on not giving up can be credited to the hustle culture that has gripped our generation. She explains, “We have grown to deeply associate our concept of self with our goals and as a result, we feel like a failure if we disengage from those goals or realise that something else actually fits and feels better. Though there is a lot of pressure to perform and to finish a task once it’s started, it is incredibly liberating and empowering to disengage from something when it is harming your mental or emotional wellbeing.”

You should give up on your goal if…

The goal is unattainable: “When a goal is too vague or hard to manage, we tend to put unrealistic timelines on ourselves as well as unrealistic expectations. At every juncture, one needs to evaluate and re-evaluate whether running after a particular goal is still viable or not,” advises Narang.

You don’t know your identity without this goal: “When you become so hardwired to a particular goal that your entire identity has been taken over by the idea of this goal, it’s time for a wake-up call—one thing can not and should not define your whole being. If you are scared about who you will be without this one goal, it’s a sign to engage with other things in life, so that this does not continue to define you,” she says.

This habit is no longer making you happy: “Habits that help and do not consume you are the ones to be developed. If something isn’t making you happy any longer, there isn’t a point in engaging with it. If it does not make you truly happy and makes you feel like the goal is sucking the soul out of you, it’s a clear indication that you should stop,” she adds.

Persevering is making you hate yourself: “At the end of the day, if you aren’t happy with who you are or don’t feel at peace with yourself, there is a high chance that you will spend the rest of your life constantly running with blinders on, without knowing why or where you are running to. If persevering is making you hate yourself, it is an indicator that you need to call it quits and re-evaluate your priorities,” she says.

How to give up on a goal without affecting your mind

Pop culture is littered with phrases like ‘never give up’ and ‘rest but don’t quit’, but experts have cause to believe that generic motivational phrases such as these can prove problematic. “Sayings like these are toxic because they don’t encourage decisions that are good for us but instead, they champion populist ideals of success and make us believe that we must sacrifice ourselves at the altar of being successful,” observes Narang. While society rewards not giving up as a brave act, she believes that the opposite is often true. “If the path to the goal makes us unhappy, we often feel exhausted and inwardly destroyed by the time we accomplish it. In the end, both the journey and the destination leave us feeling unsatisfied. The only thing that we achieve is reiterating society’s conditioning with yet another example of the illusion of success,” she adds.

Giving up can feel like a complicated process, but it needn’t be. The Mumbai-based psychologist advises examining your reasons for giving up, and says, “Is this affecting your mental, physical and emotional health? Are you giving up because you aren’t happy? Then yes, give up. You can also ask yourself about what is the worst that could happen and what you are scared of. If any of the answers involve how other people would feel about your decision, you need to pause and think for yourself to determine what will give you genuine happiness,” she says.

While it might seem tempting to endure short-term sacrifices in pursuit of long-term success, Moyer-Szemenyei believes that there is no harm in assessing whether a goal is actually serving you rather than chasing a distant dream. “Look for common stress signals, such as insomnia or difficulty in sleeping, panic attacks, physical symptoms of anxiety and fear of failure. When those things start becoming the norm, it’s time to reconsider your goal,” she cautions. If you are confused about when it is time to give up, she recommends looking in the mirror and asking yourself whether your goal is serving you and your emotional wellbeing. “If it's the latter, give yourself permission to take a step back and to focus on something that makes you feel grounded, supported, nurtured and fulfilled,” she says.

At the end of the day, Narang believes that it pays to remember that enduring personal hardship to achieve a particular goal might not necessarily be the key to happiness. “As human beings, we often tend to have unrealistic expectations that everything will fall in place once we have achieved our dream. However, that is not always true. We need to ensure that we have dreams in all aspects of life, so we aren’t sacrificing the multiple facets of life and our personality,” she concludes.

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