Worst blind date – Constantin

Look, we know the whole deal with the modern pentathlon is having the ability to ride a horse, any horse, but all the same there couldn’t have been many worse equine partners than the one Natalya Coyle got.

The Meath star was within striking distance of a medal midway through the final day of the modern pentathlon but, as per the rules, she only met Constantin shortly before trotting out for the show jumping.

You felt a little for Constantin – nervous, distracted animal that it was – as it all went to pot. You felt a whole lot more for Coyle, whose medal dream was dashed in an instant after five years working towards this moment.

Best quote of the Games – Paul O’Donovan

“That was savage.” This, according to his fellow gold medallist Fintan McCarthy, was the first thing O’Donovan said after they crossed the line to win Ireland’s first ever rowing gold medal. It sure was.

Soundest people on the planet – the Japanese

It’s a cliche, one I almost got sick of hearing before coming to Tokyo. I mean, how sound could they really be? Well, they lived up to the hype and then some. Polite, gracious, welcoming, utterly patient and endlessly tolerant of us tired, narky journalists who didn’t bother to learn more than two words of their language during our time here. But to the best hosts you could ask for over the past three weeks, a huge arigato. (That means thanks . . . I think).

Best national anthem that’s not a national anthem – Tchaikovsky’s Piano Concerto No.1

For being bad little boys with their whole state-sponsored doping thing, Russia got the whopping punishment of having its name changed to the Russian Olympic Committee and were not allowed to use the flag anywhere on its kit – which instead was a different arrangement of, eh, the exact same colours.

Anyway, it meant we were also deprived of what’s a very decent national anthem. In its place, thought? An absolute classical banger from the Ruski T-meister of piano, which was blared out as the artistic gymnasts formerly known as Russians beat USA to the women’s all-around title: 10/10 would listen again.

Outstanding underachieving in their field of excellence – USA men’s 4x100m

How can you have the fastest 100m runners in the world and yet continually, chronically, make an utter hames of this relatively simple task – the 4x100m relay. Well, fear not, the US men’s team always finds a way. Carrying on the tradition of a generation, their star quartet bungled their heat and finished sixth, slower than Ghana, which was good enough for the ol’ one-and-done treatment. “This is really so BS,” said sprinter Trayvon Bromell. He wasn’t wrong.

Most sexually charged celebration – Dean Boxall

When you’ve coached a swimmer to the pinnacle of sport, to beat the best there’s ever been in Katie Ledecky, you’ve earned this right. Yes, young man, you have yourself a time up in that stand. Your athlete, Ariarne Titmus, is the champ. So you shout and you roar and you punch the air. You hold on to the railing and tilt your head back and when that’s not enough orgasmic energy to match your euphoria, you thrust your hips against the plexi-glass screen. “I did not hump that railing,” said Boxall in one of the all-time best climb-downs. Now Dean, you probably don’t follow national hunt racing, but Mick Fitzgerald once said winning the grand national was better than sex, which must put coaching an Olympic champ on a different level. Thoughts?

Most likely to start an argument – Laurel Hubbard

If you’d like to get a literal punch in a bar or a figurative one on Twitter, then a good way is to bring up transgender athletes in sport. Rest assured the radicals on both sides of the inclusion-versus-fairness debate will soon come out swinging, either with actually transphobic remarks or misplaced accusations of transphobia for those stating straight-forward facts.

There was plenty of both as New Zealand’s Laurel Hubbard, who was born male, competed in the 87+kg category of women’s weightlifting in Tokyo. The 43-year-old transitioned in 2012 and broke no rules by competing here but – for better or worse – those rules look likely to be revised in the years to come.

Best picture – Bryan Keane

The Cork photographer had an hour to kill during the qualifying round for the women’s all-around gymnastics, so he decided to experiment with the multi-exposure setting on his camera. After a couple of faulty tries he changed to a seven-shot setting and snapped the next gymnast to hit the runway.

It just so happened to be Simone Biles, and the photo of the Games was suddenly right there in front of his lens. The image went viral in the days after, shared millions of times, including by Biles herself. That it was an Olympian behind the lens – Keane competed in the triathlon at Rio 2016 – made it all the better.

Best supporting cast – Simone Biles

Speaking of Biles, when the 24-year-old ruled herself out of the women’s team all-around final after a botched first vault, she chose not to hide out in a back room as so many might have done. Instead she was the loudest, most positive person in the Ariake Gymnastics Centre, rallying her team-mates all night from the sidelines despite clearly battling her own personal demons. The greatest individual gymnast of all time, but also a true team player.

Best event to make you feel pre-historic – women’s skateboarding

Kids today, filling an Olympic podium with an average age of 14. In the sport’s first appearance at the Games, Japan’s Momiji Nishiya (13) and Brazil’s Rayssa Leal (13) took gold and silver in the women’s skateboarding final, edging Japan’s Funa Nakayama, who’s a relatively past-it 16, into third. God help us all.

Best athlete to make you feel young – Jesus Angel Garcia

The 51-year-old Spaniard competed at his eighth – EIGHTH – Olympics in Tokyo, finishing 35th in the 50km race walk. Silver medallist Jonathan Hilbert was still three years short of being alive when Garcia did his first Games in 1992. “Eight Games are enough,” he said afterwards. “I just wanted to enjoy once more the Olympic magic and then retire to a quieter, more relaxed life.” Don’t we all, Jesus, don’t we all.

Best answer to a journalist’s question – Karsten Warholm

Shortly after the Norwegian produced the performance of the Games – across any sport – to obliterate the men’s 400m hurdles world record, it was put to him that runner-up Rai Benjamin of USA had made a mistake midway through the race that might have cost him gold. “Big respect to him,” said Warholm. “And if that mistake cost him the gold, he shouldn’t have done it in the Olympics.” Checkmate.

Least sore loser – Timothy Cheruiyot

It’s easy to be a nice guy when you win. It’s a whole lot harder when your crown as the world’s best 1500m runner been taken by a 20-year-old. But Kenya’s Timothy Cheruiyot, one of the sport’s true nice guys, handled it with impeccable class. “I said if someone beats me today I will give him my bracelet,” he said after finishing second to Jakob Ingebrigitsen. “He beat me and I (gave) it to him.”

Inspirational achievement – Kellie Harrington

We don’t need an intro to this. We’ll let Kellie take it home: “I can’t believe I inspire anybody. That’s the hard thing to get my head around. But I know I am in the limelight and I know I have to be a role model and I just want to be the best version of me that I can be so I can inspire kids.

"I want them to bring out the best version of themselves and they don’t have to be Irish champion, world champion, Olympic champion. They don’t have to be anything only a better version of themselves. For me, I love giving and if I can give someone a little bit of inspiration, a little bit of get-up-and-go, that means the world to me.”