My Ex-Husband Won't Let Me Vaccinate Our Son | Opinion

Forget about "How many kids do you want to have?" or "Where do you want to retire?" These days, the deal breaker you need to ask a potential spouse is: "In a pandemic, would you let our child get the vaccine?" Maybe not first date material, but crucial.

I am the inoculated single mother of a 13-year-old son who also wants to receive the Covid shot. The problem is his father isn't getting it for himself—and forbids me from having our son vaccinated. My ex-husband is a Trump supporter, and he is genuinely worried about possible long term side effects.

Where does this leave divorced parents who don't see eye-to-eye during a global health crisis? In court.

That means a costly legal battle, which will likely be a lengthy one since courts are still backlogged. I believe my child should be able to decide for himself—without me spending thousands of dollars from our emergency fund on a legal war. This cost comes in a year when single moms have been disproportionately affected by the pandemic, bearing the brunt of responsibility for remote learning, childcare, and extra grocery bills, alongside a job loss or juggling work with demands at home.

A vaccine fight is just the last financial straw. Even pre-pandemic, a government report found that on average, women's household income fell by 41 percent after divorce, almost double the decline men experienced.

I'm far from alone as a divorced mom in this dilemma since the vaccine was approved for children ages 12 to 15 in May. But parents are gearing up for battle on both sides.

In the District of Columbia, some are suing officials over a new law that allows children 11 and older to get vaccines without parental permission. Two July lawsuits in the U.S. District Court there claim that parents' rights and religious freedom are violated when their children are given this power. In most states parental consent is required to vaccinate minors. But when a mom or dad shows up, those giving the shot rarely ask about the other parent's wishes.

In online single mom support groups where women did not want to be identified, many admitted to me that they had gotten their kids inoculated without a judge's blessing, knowing the other parent disagreed. "It's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission," was how more than one put it.

But another mom I know was on the other side of things. Laura Vitek's ex-husband did just that—and she's fuming mad about it. Vitek, an Illinois mom, made it clear she didn't want their 14-year-old daughter to get the Covid vaccine because of the teen's cold-induced asthma.

"My ex-husband went and took her out without my permission and sent me a screenshot of her getting her first dose," Vitek said. "I started crying because I was so upset. I didn't yell at her though, since he put her in an awful position."

It's common in divorce agreements to award parents "joint legal custody" regardless of which parent has more physical time with the child—and that's where it gets messy.

"Joint legal custody means that parents have shared decision making with respect to major parenting decisions, which includes all medical decisions, thus vaccinations," Rosemarie Ferrante, a Connecticut divorce attorney and mediator, told me. Parents who share joint legal custody and want to challenge the other parent's wishes have to go to court, invest a substantial amount in lawyer's fees, and possibly have a guardian ad litem or attorney for the child appointed before a judge determines if custody should be modified. It's a process that could take months—and many single parents just can't afford it.

This is precisely why the language in divorce deals is so critical. "Mediated divorce agreements recognize that parents may disagree on parenting issues post-divorce," Ferrante says. That's why she includes a framework to be followed in such cases during a divorce, to help co-parents find ways to resolve their differences.

But most divorce decrees aren't that explicit. And since the Covid vaccine was approved so quickly and addresses a current medical crisis, there's very little case law.

"Judges are all over the place on this because there's no guidance on what should be done," said Sandra Fava, a family law litigator in New Jersey. "There is not yet a body of law except in most recent cases on other vaccines. If the school mandated kids to have the Covid vaccine it would be easy; you could look at that rule."

Fava points to a recent New Jersey appellate court decision involving a divorced couple that disagreed about vaccinations. The mother opposing the shots claimed a religious exemption, but the court used the "best interests of the child standard" and ruled the other parent could provide them. Fava says this illustrates these issues will be decided on a case-by-case basis.

The ramifications for acting unilaterally? By law, the parent would be violating the agreement if there is joint legal custody. They could face a sanction, be required to pay the other party's legal fees, or if there's a pattern of independent decision making, there could be changes in custody arrangements.

In the end, traditionally law-abiding parents like me have to tackle this unenviable question: Am I willing to take a chance and do what I believe protects my child without going the court route, in order to get it done quickly and guard our family's resources?

For single moms, 2021 is proving to be even more challenging than the year before.

Amy Polacko is a divorce coach and journalist who worked on the Pulitzer Prize winning team covering the TWA Flight 800 crash for Newsday. A single mom, she's writing her first book "Don't Fall for a Con: How to Spot Narcissists and Sociopaths Before It's Too Late."

The views in this article are the writer's own.