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She’s incapable of living independently
My sister is 33 years old and still living with our parents. She shows no sign of moving out, despite being in a stable job and capable of paying rent. I have two worries. The first is she is totally mothered and has never so much as put salt in the dishwasher, let alone switched an energy supplier. I worry she’ll end up incapable of basic life skills. The second is she desperately wants a boyfriend and I can’t help but think many men will be put off by a woman of her age who has never left home. Is this not some kind of dating red flag? I wouldn’t date a man who still lived with his mum. I want her to have independence and a relationship and I think moving out is the key to this, but she will not be convinced.
You are right. Your sister does need to move out of your parents’ home and find her independence. Fear of change and the unknown is holding her back. Change is really hard for most of us and it’s natural to be scared, but the longer she stays and continues to be looked after, the tougher it gets. She has already acquired a sort of ‘learned helplessness’ by not being able to do things for herself. And I agree that many men of a similar age could be put off by the fact she lives with her mum and dad. The key to helping is in how you approach her. She won’t be willing to make that change unless she is ready to do it herself. You clearly love your sister and are worried about her, which is lovely. But if you keep telling her that she must move out or try to make arrangements for her, it might perpetuate the feeling that other people are making all the decisions. This in itself will be disempowering. Talk to your sister about her fears and tell her you understand how frightening it is. Ask her gently to think about the emotional costs of staying – if we never embrace change, our lives simply stagnate. Ask, for instance, how she would feel if she was still living at home and single in five or ten years’ time. Do also have a word with your parents. Your mum is probably very loving and may feel as though she is protecting an unconfident daughter from the world. But explain that this won’t help your sister in the long-term and she needs to encourage her to find a shared flat (I don’t think your sister would cope well living alone). It could be that your mum also wants to keep your sister there, perhaps subconsciously, because she is afraid of being lonely without her – especially if, for instance, her marriage to your dad is not as good as she would like. There might even be some codependency between your mum and your sister. Have a look at codauk.org for more on this. Your sister might want to consider counselling, too, as I expect that she has low self-esteem and high anxiety. She could get a referral from her GP, or try relate.org.uk.
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I’m thinking of having an open marriage
I am a woman with a high libido and I am thinking of having an open marriage. I have friends who say their sex lives have gone off the boil after a few years, but for me I feel monogamy might be difficult to stick to. Do you see anything wrong in this?
To be clear, I am making no moral judgments here. I am a counsellor and as long as you are not hurting anyone else then whatever works for you is fine by me. Yes, monogamy can be hard. All relationships go through ups and downs and many people will be tempted by someone else at times, even if they manage to resist that temptation. Those who have affairs are not always villains – often they do so because there is something lacking in their marriage. But affairs usually cause a great deal of pain. I would argue that in a long-term, loving relationship, sex is sometimes much better than in a new one as you know your partner’s body and their thoughts and desires so well, and vice versa. Plus, there is a deep emotional connection. Regarding open relationships, a story: I knew of one couple (late 60s, second marriage, grown-up children) who decided to have an open marriage. Both were really happy with this. However, the man then met a sexual partner with whom he fell deeply in love and she him. But the lover didn’t want to share him so he left his marriage for her and embarked once more on a monogamous relationship. Of course, the wife was devastated. So if you think that an open marriage could work for you, then you could try. But it is wise to be aware of the pitfalls.
