Domestic abuse: Teach women to take bold decisions

KOCHI: The shocking death of Vismaya, 23, allegedly due to dowry-related torture, set off a disturbing trend of suicides by women across the state — all victims of domestic violence, abuse and harassment. Attributing the phenomenon to copycat behaviour, experts claim bold decisions — rather than stop-gap measures — by women facing such excesses, would go a long way in providing life-changing solutions. 

In many instances, educated women have acted at the right time to regain control of their lives, say experts. Gayatri S (name changed), 29, a software engineer from Thiruvanathapuram, got married at the age of 23 as insisted by her family. When the proposal came through, Gayatri was working with an MNC and had been selected to study at a university in the US. Though she kept her job, she dropped the plan to go abroad and chose to get married instead. Not long into wedlock, she was shocked to find that her husband was having an affair. Six months after the wedding, he sought a divorce, claiming that the marriage was arranged against his will.

After a few years, at the age of 28, Gayathri married a partner she chose. But soon, she found that her husband was an alcoholic. When work from home became the norm due to Covid, he started to drink at home and become abusive, assaulting her and his mother at times. Depressed and suicidal, Gayatri decided not to approach her family for support, as the relationship was her decision. Instead, she sought professional help from a psychiatrist who counselled her back to life.

“I understood that I was in a toxic relationship. My husband used to brag that I had no choice but to tolerate him. He would say if I walked out of a second marriage, society would stamp me as ‘not a marriage material,” Gayatri said. A bold decision had to be made, and she decided to terminate the relationship. For the past one year, she has been happy and healthy, and has secured promotion at work as well.

In another case, a 28-year-old school teacher from Kochi, who had been married for five years, recently got divorce when she discovered that her husband, an IT professional, was cheating on her. Occasional alcohol abuse and anger issues were already plaguing the household. She had put up with these for the sake of her two children, aged three and one. One day, when she found out that her husband engaged in sexual chats and relationships with other women through dating apps, she confronted him with proof. He became violent and abusive. She informed her parents but attempts at counselling by the families proved futile.

Soon, her in-laws too started harassing her with demands for money. Fed up with the violence, she walked out. Deeply betrayed and shattered, she approached the court. Since she was armed with evidence, the divorce was easy. She was awarded the custody of her children as well.

SOCIAL CHANGE IS KEy
“We need a social change. Though it may not be labelled ‘dowry’ in all cases, there are always discussions regarding money, assets and property during marriage discussions at a woman’s house. This is why uniform parenting is very important. Girls should be encouraged and empowered to make healthy choices in life, which they should take full responsibility for,” said Dr Arun B Nair, a psychiatrist based in Thiruvanathapuram.

Experts say the government should facilitate free legal aid to all women who seek it. “Counselling and medical assistance should be given in these cases. Marital or relationship counsellors would be able to help. When a marriage gets toxic, the right step should be taken before someone gets hurt. Provisions for free legal aid should be brought in by the government. Compared to the West, the legal system here moves at a slow pace, compounding the trauma for many women,” said Dr Arun.