A mere five months ago, Jennifer Lopez inserted a line from her own song into the National Anthem and pouted on the steps of Washington’s Capitol Building in a glittering all-white ensemble, her arms draped over her then-fiance, Alex Rodriguez. It was the dawn of the Biden era. The world was rife with possibility. How young we were.
But the photo, it turns out, was taken somewhere during the last gasps of J-Rod, a two-year engagement between pop singer and baseball star that came to a stuttering halt in April after a series of denied split-up rumors. And now, we find ourselves deep in the trenches of a non-divorce divorce battle for tabloid supremacy, each victory won at the cost of a grainy paparazzi shot taken from inside a van, probably. Here is an appropriately chaotic timeline.
March 12, 2021: Page Six declares J-Rod “no more,” referencing a rumored FaceTime call A-Rod made in January with Madison LeCroy, the star of a show called “Southern Charm.” This woman claimed to have talked to Rodriguez on the phone, while Rodriguez’ alleged source declared, “He doesn’t know this woman.” Absolutely no follow-up questions.
March 13, 2021: Both parties announce via TMZ that they are merely “working through some things.”
April 5, 2021: Ben Affleck, J.Lo’s partner in early aughts mega-romance infamy, provides a particularly glowing quote about J.Lo’s work ethic for her InStyle cover story, in which Rodriguez is noticeably not mentioned. (If you thought they were just going for co-workers, nice try: her ex husband and sentient Drakkar Noir bottle Marc Anthony is quoted too.) This, it turns out, is how celebrities subtweet.
April 15, 2021: Having found the proper vehicle to announce their breakup, J.Rod release a joint statement to Today (decidedly more reputable) asserting that they came to the conclusion they are “better as friends.” And now the game is afoot.
April 30, 2021: It is revealed that J.Lo and Ben Affleck have reunited on a romantic chalet getaway. Page Six first catches wind of their daytime romps via J.Lo’s white SUV, which is seen dropping Affleck off at various Hollywood Dunkin Donuts locations. Okay, fine, it just dropped him off at J.Lo’s mansion. He’s also seen exiting her other, non-mansion home, shockingly not juggling iced coffees.
May 10, 2021: J Lo and Affleck are photographed returning from a “romantic getaway” wearing what looks like authentic Bostonian garb. While we have neither the time nor the stamina to dissect Affleck’s previous relationship, let’s just say the SUV spotting took place about four months after the infamous lifesize-cardboard-cutout-dumpster incident and one week after his brave attempt at using Raya.
May 23, 2021: The subsequent weeks entail a flurry of new relationship bait from Bennifer. Affleck, no stranger to the TMZ news cycle and the importance of investigative journalism, starts slyly slipping on a watch he wore in the early days of their relationship while visiting J.Lo in Miami. He accompanies J.Lo and her signature Starbucks cup to the gym.
May 23, 2021: A-Rod, meanwhile, is playing the slow game, strategically releasing Extreme Divorced Energy at frequent intervals. He declares on his Instagram story that “new levels are unlocking” for him “mentally, physically, and spiritually.” Perhaps he’ll start reading Goop.
May 25, 2021: A-Rod continues the “focusing on myself” approach, meeting with some executives from the NBA team he just bought in order to subtly remind everyone that he owns an NBA team. He is, for all intents and purposes, a man newly liberated—free to focus on work, and also to socialize with the governor of Florida (just the right amount of toxic).