All the Dazzling Divas On the BAFTAs Red Carpet

Look! It’s Billie Piper from the Doctor Who! This is a nice outfit insofar as it also involves a troubling slit of sequin fabric. I’ll ignore that since I quite like the ridiculous pink sleeve.

AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is a perfect outfit. I want it so fucking bad my whole body aches. It’s the perfect interplay between the “masculine”—yuck!—dress shirt and loafers, and the softer embroidered tulle. What’s not to love? It’s talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show stopping, spectacular, never the same, totally unique, completely not ever been done before, unafraid to reference or not reference, put it in a blender, shit on it, vomit on it, eat it, give birth to it.

Look at Lawrence! She dressed like a BAFTA—get it, get it?

I was quite hard on her when she nabbed the crown from Bimini Bon Boulash. I stand by that, mostly, but do feel wowed by her efforts to step it up for the carpet. The padding is perfect, as is the tailoring on that bust. She could have lost the chains, but why nit-pick?

Not a joke, just a fact: Bimini Bon Boulash is the most talented person alive. This dress is the sort of thing fashion hounds write about and think about 25 years from now, screaming alone in a pile of our fashion glossies.

Perhaps my favorite detail is that they went the Lady Gaga route and covered the shoes in fabric. I also admire how the whole outfit boils down to a single string on the carpet, unravelling the garmet and literally pulling it across Bimini’s body. There is technique and artistry at work here that is unparalleled among their peers! More, more, more!

As the founding member of the “A’whora was robbed” sub-committee, look at her shine! The dress itself is rather simple, but the details elevate it. The ostrich feathers are the perfect touch, as is this meticulously styled wig. She even glued nails to her GLOVES!

Wow, I haven’t watched Fresh Meat in SO long.

Anyways, I don’t have much to say on this big bulking dress, because it’s obvious Ashton feels good in it, and the pattern is rather spectacular. It also has a pussybow—and we all know I am obsessed with a pussybow.

If I were to fault it, I’d find issue with the reverse balloon sleeves. I see the trend has migrated from the shoulders to the forearms, where it looks even more cartoonish. Props to this designer for the vim and vigor to try something so adventurous, but next time? Let’s give the lady a normal-looking sleeve.

My favorite thing has to be when people visibly feel good in the clothes they’re wearing. Look at these two! They’re practically beaming with light.

Oh look! It’s Jessica Plummer from EastEnders in a little two-piece. I tried to find the designer’s name, but instead landed on a totally absurd Daily Mail blurb: “This year, BAFTA beamed celebrities that can’t attend the red carpet as holograms.”

HOLOGRAMS? Certainly not our Jessica.

I want to like what’s happening here. It’s giving me Space Channel 5 via Topshop. However, I cannot condone a two-piece set like this—I won’t and I can’t. Great gowns, though! Beautiful gowns.

Bring me the buckets! We have some butter to churn. What is there to say about “high fashion” prairie dresses this late into 2021. I’ve seen just about every variation by now, and while this is certainly one of the prettier ones... no, that’s all I’ve got. Pretty!

Guz Khan had the Conservatives in a tizzy over comments directed at Boris Johnson’s favorite Home Secretary, Priti Patel. He’s all right in my book! I have no real complaints about his co-ords, or those moon shoes he’s rocking. Moghal, who appears to be a friend of Khan’s, also looks quite dashing. As he is not famous in the least, let’s leave it there!

It’s giving me Lady Vampire, Mistress of the Dark. This dress is, in fact, something Castlevania’s Carmilla would wear—brilliant! The cut-out is sublime, as is Coel’s styling. The pop of red at the sleeve is another gorgeous touch, and quite fitting for her breakout success, I May Destroy You.

Yes, yes, yes! Excuse me while I scream in ecstasy some more.

Like most sensible people, I am a massive fan of Jumbo and her excellent work on The Good Fight. Because this is one of those times where I am confronted with someone I actually admire, I’ve chosen to smile and nod.

Smile and nod!!!!

What a fabulous dress for a fabulous actress. Call me old-fashioned, but I would have loved a headpiece and jewelry, but that’s fine. I’ll go without. The shoes, contrary to initial impressions I had of them, are perfect. Just the hint of pink under this mass of orange and boning. There are also words I’d like to have with that particular shade of blue for her eye makeup, but then I’d just be picking at loose threads.

Superb!

This dress is sensible and functional as a red carpet outfit. Although, I do wonder why the stoning doesn’t translate in any way to the skirt. Oh well!

Does anyone else think this could have done with a few more ruffles? Well, too late now. Ruffles, ruffles, ruffles!

Huh.