e were the Euro Kids, Eurovision was all we did, we listened to those songs on the rayhay-dio... Indeed, that was once upon a time, 1996 to be exact. 25 years ago. Now we never seem to even qualify anymore. Still, you can't beat a bit of sparkle, G-strings, and erratic dancing of a dank perpetual-pandemic Tuesday.
While we're still the record holders, winning a total of seven times, our 'most wins ever' title is on the brink of being snatched by Sweden. This may have been the reason behind Ireland’s entry, Lesley Roy’s Maps, collaborating with a certain Swedish set designer this year. Balbriggan-born Roy was due to represent Ireland at Eurovision last year with her pre-divorce Miley Cyrus meets P!nk ditty Story Of My Life. This time around, she opted to pen the perfect little earworm, Maps. More on that momentarily.
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First, to the show! Marty may not have been in Rotterdam, but who could tell? He was still huffing and puffing, complaining of the hunger, comparing contestants to “gigantic toilet brushes”, and all a hop, skip and a jump from the RTÉ Lyric FM Studios in Montrose.
In terms of hosting one of the biggest live TV events in the midst of a global pandemic, the Dutch did a fine job. While there wasn’t a green room backstage, producers put the respective delegations front-and-centre in the middle of the Ahoy Arena. When it came to the all-important interlude act, the budget for PCR tests must have been wild given the sheer volume of writhing bodies circling Dutch Daenerys Davina Michelle.
Moments of genius included what turned out to be a well-deserved homage to the brilliance that is Johnny Logan, whose singing/songwriting prowess has only won three contests for us. Additionally, there was a winning and not-so-winning montage brought to you by one of tonight’s FOUR presenters, 27-year-old YouTuber Nikkie de Jager. She deftly compiled a ‘How to Lose Gracefully’ hitlist, featuring lots of bum notes, misplaced shrieks, and our very own political activists, Jedward.
There were a number of recurring themes throughout tonight’s show, among them The Tiny House movement inserts, ill-fitting block-coloured suits, disco ball bodices, female performers, an abundance of English lyrics, and latex onesies that must have seen stocks in baby powder skyrocket.
As for the performances themselves? They could be categorised thusly: those who got the 'Quirky' memo, and those who went down the traditional route. Honestly, the running order went 'quirky', traditional, 'quirky', traditional, ad infinitum.
And then, it was time… Swedish choreographer Fredrik 'Benka' Rydman’s stage direction for Ireland’s entry was phenomenal, worth the wait and certainly a first for Eurovision.
Lesley gave an impassioned performance while running barefoot on a treadmill behind stage props and then across the stage.
Apart from momentarily becoming possessed by Ronan Keating, she pulled it out of the bag with a spine-tingling and highly emotional ending making us believe that this could very well be “the way back home." However, it wasn’t to be. Where did we fall? Evidently between two stools…
Who Got Through?
Norway / TIX - Fallen Angel – Instantly forgettable, hence the elaborate costumes. Effectively the B-side to Cyprus’s El Diablo. Do they deserve to be there? Probably not.
Israel / Eden Alene - Set Me Free – Try not to overanalyze the title, instead focus on the voice. 21-year-old Eden could give Mariah a run for her money.
Russia / Manizha - Russian Woman – Russia got the 'quirky' memo with more than a serious hum of 2018's winner Netto's Toy (Israel). Rocking reggaeton beat but with the obligatory "Don't be afraid" refrain, which is a bit ironic given the current situation on the Ukrainian border.
Azerbaijan / Efendi - Mata Hari – Ariana Grande avec backing dancers.
Malta / Destiny - Je Me Casse – One cracking Lizzo impression.
Lithuania / The Roop - Discoteque – An absolute belter, complete that doesn't take itself too seriously.
Cyprus / Elena Tsagrinou - El Diablo – Lady Gaga by way of Sia.
Sweden / Tusse - Voices – Having fled the Democratic Republic of Congo in 2015 to settle in Sweden aged 13, the chance to represent his adopted home clearly meant the world to him.
Belgium / Hooverphonic - The Wrong Place – Join-the-dot lyrics and zero craic. Definitely in the Wrong Place…
Ukraine / Go_A - Shum – Probably the only entry to sing in their native tongue alongside a banging drumbeat.
Personally speaking, Eurovision lost the run of itself when Australia joined in 2015. One could also argue just how pointless this entire first semi-final was given the presence of Iceland’s Daði og Gagnamagnið. His new 2021 entry, 10 Years, is – somehow – even more of a belter than his original 2020 belter Think About Things. You'll have to wait to see him shimmy into the finals on Thursday night.
So, that’s another year done and dusted – for us, anyway. On the upside, the stage directors won't have to deal with our set on Saturday night…