Perspective | Carolyn Hax: Adult daughter is far from thrilled about this ‘Parent Trap’-style reunion

My father’s spouse of 30 years handed away in early November. She had been in poor health for some time, and it was a troublesome time for my father.

In early January, my mother introduced she and my dad have grow to be “friends” once more, and simply yesterday introduced they’re relationship.

I discover this actually upsetting, however my mother does not appear to suppose it is bizarre or disrespectful to his lately deceased spouse. I let her know weeks in the past I discovered it unusual and did not need to hear about their relationship. She’s taken to posting obscure issues on Facebook about it. She’s at all times been passive-aggressive, and I do not work together with something she posts.

Obviously, they’re adults and are going to do what they’ll do. But I actually do not need to hear about it. I additionally don’t desire this to trigger a much bigger rift between us; we already do not see eye-to-eye on many subjects.

Any recommendation on how I ought to method this?

A.: Crazy appears proper. Their unraveling will need to have been terrible for you, and also you in all probability took as a right that you just’d undergo it solely as soon as.

But you’re all 35 years older, 35 years extra mature, I hope, and 35 years more proficient at (and higher positioned for) filtering out the worst of one another so you’ll be able to select to interact with one of the best.

We might by no means outgrow the ick of realizing an excessive amount of of parental romance, however we are able to you should definitely stabilize our personal worlds so their volatility — or anybody else’s, for that matter — can now not flip them the other way up. And we are able to say, “I’m happy for you,” and thoughts our personal enterprise from there.

I don’t know the place you might be in this course of, and due to this fact whether or not you want solely minor intervention in mantra kind that “their chaos isn’t mine,” or whether or not you want extra. Professional assist, possibly, to disentangle your self as soon as and for all from previous household dysfunction.

Or possibly you want no intervention in any respect, having gotten used to the concept by now — all of us want no less than just a few days to soak up bizarre new info, and also you wrote this however a day after receiving yours.

Maybe, too, they’ll have remembered why they favored one another and outlived the explanations they cut up, and your solely involvement shall be, occasionally, to take pleasure in their now-not-entirely-unpleasant firm.

In writing this, I’ve narrowed myself right down to solely two issues I do know for positive:

1. Unless he’s badmouthing her, there’s no “disrespectful to his recently deceased wife” factor right here. The job of the residing is to stay.

2. Your have to course of her social media posts (and even have a look at, for geese’ sake) is zero, zip, nada, bupkis, jack-squat, un oeuf and a toasted bagel. Hide her until you’re feeling higher, or don’t, however take the Facebook subject fully off your to-dwell-on checklist regardless. The sooner we deal with the social media part of any relationship as non-compulsory — and due to this fact totally opt-out-able — the saner all of us shall be.