The silver year blossom

CHENNAI: Seated in his rustic wooden recliner, 68-year-old Prabhu Doss* is busy reading one of his favourite books  The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. In between flipping the pages, he looks at us through the upper rim of his mooku kannadi. “She has made my life happy, colourful and aesthetic,” he says, watching his 65-year-old companion Padma*, who is engrossed in sorting her music albums — a collection of Beatles, Led Zepplin, Rolling Stone and Pink Floyd.

“He hypes me up a bit too much. Some call it love,” she says, playfully winking at Prabhu, pushing her silver locks away from the contours of her face. A few minutes later, we settle down by their balcony garden, sipping on a cup of Prabhu’s special ginger tea, discussing, in Padma’s words, their mudhumayilum kadhal story.

“The colours that you see around us today were hardly there in our earlier years. I lost my wife to cancer when I was in my 40s. Padma stepped out of an abusive marriage a decade ago after enduring it for almost 20 years. I have a son and she has a daughter and we are thankful for having them in our lives. In fact, we met because of them,” he smiles, pointing at a family picture of the four, clicked at a local photo studio.

Love in live-in
Eight years ago, the duo’s children, who were part of a theatre troupe in Bengaluru, invited their parents to a play they were staging to raise funds for cancer treatment of people from the margins. Prabhu and Padma were given adjacent seats to the show. “We were introduced to each other and within a few minutes, we got talking about our lives. When we came back to Chennai, we began meeting every month for coffee and this soon became a weekly affair. Besant Nagar beach used to be our favourite hangout spot. I never sought companionship in my life after my wife passed away, however, this happened unannounced. We were comfortable in each other’s company, there were no judgements,” shares the retired bank employee.

Nodding, Padma, a former interior designer, discusses how for years, till she met Prabhu, she was treading on a life of uncertainty. “I had an arranged marriage and it turned sour within a few years. But our society being what it is, constantly blamed me for not being a ‘good wife’. I was told that being educated ruined my marriage and that I must become a full-time homemaker. My husband was having multiple relationships outside the wedlock, and being verbally abusive at home. Like many, I too endured the wrecked relationship for the sake of my child. My family let me down and didn’t offer support. After going for counselling, I decided to step out of the toxicity.

Apart from my daughter, everyone was against my decision. But I put my foot down. Now, I am estranged from the rest of my family. I don’t miss them. Are they even family if they don’t care for your wellness and worry more about their place in society? I have reassessed my life since then,” she opens up. For the last six years, the duo has been living-in; they call it the best years of their lives. “We didn’t find it necessary to get married. We mutually decided to live-in together. Since I own an independent house, we are not answerable to society’s moral codes either.

We have our savings and live on our terms. We wake up by 5 am, do yoga, I make ginger tea, she makes fluffy idlis. We spend a portion of the day doing what we individually enjoy. Having a companion doesn’t mean one has to do everything together! That’s something today’s generation has to learn. Give each other space and lend your shoulders when the other person needs it,” says Prabhu, sharing some pearls of wisdom. For Prabhu and Padma, finding companionship in their 60s and soaking in its goodness may have been a breeze, but, for several senior citizens, the decision to seek a second chance in love and relationships, has been a rough sail. Thanks to society’s conservative moral prism and lack of support from close quarters. However, love has triumphed, it seems.

The science of societal pressure
Sheela Prakash, a septuagenarian, who decided to get remarried last year tells us that she was met with disapproval by her children. “They call themselves liberal, they are doctors and believers of science. But they felt that they will be criticised in their circle if their widowed mother remarried in her 70s! They live their private lives and I live alone in my house in Nanganallur. In 2019, I watched Sillu Karupatti, an anthology, where one of the films traced the lives of two senior citizens finding love. I was touched. No one ever told me that I needed someone to care for me.

In fact, the thought had never occurred to me. Our children and society both think that we have to stop living life once we ‘complete our duties’. When I saw the movie, I wanted to find a friend, a companion. Someone I can fall back on,” says the single parent, who eventually registered with a remarriage service to find herself a prospective partner. However, her dreams came to a screeching halt when her children threatened to leave her if she remarried. “I succumbed to the emotional threats,” she says. “My husband was a doctor too. Very loving and progressive.

When he passed away in an accident, I was left to fend for my two children. I was in my 30s. Work and responsibilities kept me occupied for years and only in my 60s did I start spending time on myself. Ironically, when one of my children wanted to get married to someone from a different faith, I stood in support of the relationship when the entire family disapproved,” she narrates. In 2020, amid the lockdown, Sheela reconnected with a school friend on Facebook and began sharing her ordeals. Soon, she found love and solace in him. “Call it serendipity or destiny, he too shared a similar story and during the lockdown, we connected over video-calls and even met once.

After talking every day, we decided to get married. He made me realise that I didn’t need anyone’s approval. My husband would have wanted me to find love again. Now, Satheesh* and I have been dating for the last 10 months,” she shares. Were there any hesitations?, we ask and Sheela smiles. “None at all. After a certain age, we stop waiting for grand gestures. One doesn’t have to go down on the knee. The simple things start mattering more.

For instance, he checks in on me every day and I do too. He lives away from his family. In this age, isn’t that what we all crave for — someone to think about us and ensur e we are doing alright? We are just waiting to tide through this pandemic and then, we will get married. Though I respect my children’s feelings, this is my life and I will live the way I want to. Our needs in this age are different and I will just be happy to have someone by my side in the house,” she shares.

When opposite poles attract
Maria Sheryl and Kennedy, two 60-something yoga enthusiasts, who met at a retreat for senior citizens five years ago, have been battling ridicule for their d e c i - sion to live together. But, they have learned to ignore the noise and live in bliss, they say. A rather reserved Kennedy sits by their porch, as a spirited Maria shares, “Attraction is natural at any age and that should be normalised. Why do people frown when people our age enjoy being in love? When Kenny and I met, we didn’t think we will be living together. We were poles apart.

He enjoyed the calm while I enjoyed socialising. But five weeks into the camp, we had grown fond of each other. We are divorcees and this seemed like a new lease of life to us.” The couple opted to live together instead of marrying to avoid the legal complications it usually comes with. “Our children were the biggest hindrance in our journey. We had accumulated quite a lot of wealth and they were worried about what the wills will hold for them. From changing bank accounts to court cases, anything could have happened. We didn’t want to deal with any of it.

All we wanted was to live together and in peace. So, we chose this to avoid any property-related complications,” she says. In ano the r ro om, Kennedy begins strumming his guitar. Strains of Maria’s favourite — Everything I do by Bryan Adams — makes its way into the hall. “He expresses his love in subtle ways. He doesn’t say the words but I am old enough to know what love is,” she says. She opens a chest of drawers in their study room and shows us hand-written letters exchanged between them. “When we fight or one of us has to travel, we write letters to each other.

I have always loved writing letters and I introduced it to Kenny. Sometimes I pull his leg when he makes a spelling error, and his handwriting is incomprehensible. But I cherish them,” she smiles. The duo shares an interest in travelling and exploring new restaurants and hopes to start a small cafe in one of the coastal cities in the country by next year. “We don’t want to waste this stage of our lives waiting for acceptance and approval,” she points out.

V-Day plans
Letting us in on their Valentine’s Day plan this year, Padma and Prabhu, share that they will be watching a curated V-day movie list. “We might be living our best years now. But we are still old enough to contract the virus! So our children ensure we stay safe. However, they have also promised to put together a movie list for us to watch on Valentine’s Day!

Our children are married and luckily, their spouses and respective families have been welcoming of our relationship. We share different faiths and religions and yet have love and respect in abundance. Padma and I have been grateful for all that has happened in our lives. Here’s to the silver years!” he says, raising a toast. As the sun sets, Padma plays Rolling Stones’ Love is strong, the duo sing and sway, and we leave their abode with a renewed faith in love. *Names changed

VASANTHAM REMARRIAGE SERVICE
Started in 1990 by Vasant, Vasantham has helped over 50,000 couples find love and companionship for the second time. “We encourage senior citizens to meet people through our platform. However, the mindset of a majority, especially the families of such elderly individuals who  seek a companion, are still conservative. Though the number of seniors who are breaking prejudices is now growing, we still have a long way to go,” he says. For details, call: 09840251110

A successful set-up by children, reconnection with an old friend, and a chance encounter — three elderly couples share their tales of love, loss and everything in between, as they set out to find comfort and companionship