Dear Agony Akka,
I dread this time of the year, when every boy in my class imagines himself to be irresistibly charming and keeps asking me out on Valentine’s Day dates. It was easy to fob them off last year: the coronavirus was a particularly good excuse to avoid meeting all these Romeos. But now that the corona is gone and even colleges are reopening, I have to keep inventing new-new excuses. You see, I don’t want to be very rude to them — next year is student leader elections and I need their votes. In fact, that’s why I have been humouring them these last two years. A hello here, a smile there — you have to do these things to win elections, right? But those poor sods imagine I’m really interested in them. Can you imagine? Them! Anyway, please tell me how I can make sure these boys will campaign for me and vote for me without becoming one super nuisance.
— One Mercenary Girl
Dear OMG,
Welcome to the real world. Where a bit of banter or a smile will be seen as an acceptance of a marriage proposal. Yes, the spring air and February does do something to the gushing hormones of our boys and they can become sillier than usual. What to do?
In my days, we all thought Valentine’s Day was a great excuse to write bad poetry — of the ‘Roses are Red’ variety. And someone or the other would give one rose. Or one chocolate. We would become very happy.
Then, during my niece’s days, things became rather hot. Armies of loony “cultural warriors” started roaming around parks and malls on February 14, pouncing upon young couples and making life hell. They would give them a mangalsutra or rakhi option: either have a symbolic wedding or become brother-sister. No doubt everyone hated those neanderthal creatures, but it was a good excuse to avoid unwanted dates. Like Sholay movie dialogue, my niece and her friends would pretend to shiver with fright and tell the boys, ‘Oh we can’t go out because THOSE men will come.’
Sadly, the goon squads appear to have moved on from Valentine’s Day vigilantism to Cow Vigilantism and Love Jihad. My friend Malathi tells me they’re particularly active in Uttar Pradesh. Their other areas of interest are the welfare of buses and roads and the activities of journalists. But plain-vanilla puppy love just doesn’t seem to get their blood boiling like it did even a few years ago. This is a great loss for new-age gals like you and for girls who don’t live in Uttar Pradesh.
So, I have to think really hard. How to avoid dates and win elections? I know! Appeal to sanskari values. My niece tells me that college campuses are positively overflowing with that sentiment these days. And sanskari candidates are winning student body elections steadily. Let it be widely known that from now on, you will be observing February 14 as Maitri-Pitri Pujan Diwas — a day spent in propitiating one’s parents. That flamboyantly bearded baba himself announced this idea a few years ago. That baba, of course, was jailed for some rather un-sanskari deeds himself, but don’t let that distract you from his message.
I know what you are thinking — given the high possibility that your relationship with your parents is less than excellent these days, how to pretend to worship them? In that case, I have an even better idea. Announce on social media that you think Valentine’s Day is a foolish, frivolous, and anti-national exercise. From now on, you will celebrate February 14 as Rajendra Prasad Day or Mundaka Upanishad Day — it doesn’t matter, just find something obscure.
On such a serious day, obviously nobody will expect you to go on dates. But you could, of course, clarify that roses and chocolates are always welcome. And votes.
— AA
agony.akka@gmail.com