Through it all, together

BENGALURU: Trapped, cornered, victims… NO, survivors and winners! In short, this was our journey since we were four years old – me and my twin sister. We were sexually abused as children on multiple occasions, by a neighbour’s servant, and another neighbour. While my sister was the precocious one and was completely aware of this reality, she never had any discussions around this while we were growing up, and was immensely protective of me even as a child.

As twin sisters, we had not talked about these episodes to each other till my sister became a mother, even though both of us had undergone the trauma together. It was a deep, dark process riddled with unsettling thoughts, panic attacks, hatred and anger.

The realisation that I was abused as a child was, for me, more like connecting many dots. I had repressed it in the dungeons of my memory, and it was not until my early 20s that I got answers to questions such as why I cringe when I am intimate, why I wouldn’t let go of myself in these special moments, and why afternoons were so difficult for me to get by. 

As soon as I was sexually active, thoughts and memories inundated my consciousness, it was as if I was living those moments yet again. What unfolded was sheer horror as I was unable to lead a normal marital life. My husband was and has been extremely sensitive and caring, and so have some psychologists.

After months of counselling sessions, many from my twin as well,  I feel empowered to control my anxiety and genophobia. Today, in our early 30s, we don’t feel we are victims of child sexual abuse anymore. We have lived through it and conditioned ourselves to stop our terrible, awry thoughts midway (they do occur frequently). We are stronger than ever now!

(The writer is a media professional: Treena Mukherjee)

Every abused child processes abuse differently. Some become reticent, some go into a shell, some are aggressive. I became a bully and that was what defined me in my teenage and late 20s.  As a mother of two, I now react and try to protect my children from harm in many seemingly normal situations.

That is what abuse has made of me. I have also turned into a phoenix of sorts and I know I am enough for myself. Abuse has made me abhor prolonged social conversations and interactions. It cuts through to very deep corners and makes you unforgiving. No matter how much soul-searching I do, I am unable to forgive and move on. 

What if I let it go, let it slip away and history repeats itself? So I won’t let it go as it makes me alert, exercise caution and keeps my children safe. That is what abuse has done to me.For the longest time, I firmly believed that it was a part of the bargain, and there was no point in fretting. In retrospect, as a young girl, it was not in my power to protect myself, and I could not have done any better, and I was truly NOT to blame.
 (The writer is a communications specialist: Trisha Mukherjee)